Sunday, October 2, 2011

Moving Along

Wow.  Being a responsible adult is hard.  I bought Calcium with vitamin D today.  Now I have to remember to take it.

When I woke up this morning, I had the choice of whether or not to just show up at my former team's soccer game to see if I might be able to play.  I decided to wait until this morning to see how I felt about it instead of deciding last night about what I'd do.  I wrestled with it a lot this morning because I knew it would probably be kind of awkward (I was wrong, it was REALLY awkward), but I wanted to get out and do something and I'd probably have beat myself up if I hadn't tried.  Plus, I pretty much knew they'd let me play because we were always short before.

The weather was gorgeous, and it was pretty hot outside for a soccer game, but that's my favorite way to do it.  I thought I was in decent shape for a game, but I was real wrong.  Apparently soccer is a whole different kind of cardio exercise than just running for recreation or doing the stairs or the elliptical or riding my bike around Boulder.  I told the manager that I knew there were only a few games left in the season, but I only live like 5 minutes away so she could let me know last minute if they needed people to play.  I'll email her my number so she can text me.

What was awkward about it was mostly Jen, that she wouldn't even look at me let alone talk to me, and since I haven't been there for effectively two seasons, I'm out of the loop and so no one talked to me.  However, I went with the assumption that because I'd been gone I would be the low man on the totem pole and so that is what would probably happen, so it wasn't too surprising or disappointing.  Just kind of sad.  As I watched everyone interact (Jen was never really a part of the social part of the team), I got even more sad because they're all right around my age and a lot of them hang out outside of soccer as a group, and I'm not a part of that, or of any group.  I've had times in my life where I was a part of a group, and so while I don't feel left out in that I've never been a part of a group, I'm sad because I'm no longer a part of any group.  Group stuff is really fun.

But I've made it that way.  My Colorado friends - Jen, Mischa, etc., are all people I've alienated out of my life mostly because I have had such a hard time getting out and doing things because Depression is an asshole like that and just pretty much wants you to hate yourself and your life and not have any friends.  So I have a couple of choices - I can try to mend some fences and do it the hard way, or I can sit around being miserable and bitching that I don't have anyone to do things with.  It's going to be hard, but I think I might be ready to finally live the life that most people without mental illness live.

That's what I've spent most of my day thinking about.  After the game, I came home and napped for a little while, then got up and did some stuff around the house and then went over to my parents house to meet them when they got home and hear about the wedding.  I still really wish I could have gone, although my mom said it wasn't as much fun as other family gatherings she's been to.  It probably doesn't help that she wasn't in a great mood to begin with, and road trips with family are difficult, but my little sister is a rather emotional person and can be really hard to deal with without stepping around her feelings (like I'm one to talk).  Anyway, they're home now, my mom is off work all week, and things seem to be back to normal.  That's one less thing we all have to worry about.

So onward with the week.  My birthday is on Thursday but I have no plans for it at all, whatsoever, except to be kind of creative with what to make for myself.  I'm thinking about carrot cake with apples in it with my cream cheese/whipped cream frosting.  Maybe I'll add some chocolate protein shake to it to give it some supplement.  I may not have time to do the workouts I want to this week - I've made appointments with so many different kinds of doctors - so I'll need to make do with what I've got.  Next week is going to suck because it's midterms and all three of my classes have big tests.  I think I'll be most concerned about the Anatomy test, then Social Psych, and Judaism last.  She's already given us our assignment for Judaism and it shouldn't be too hard and I can work on it just a bit on each day I'm at work this week and hopefully get it done before the weekend.  I think I've mostly gotten my computer set up now so I can start using it to it's full potential.  Which is nice.

I'm watching Hocus Pocus to get myself in the mood for Fall and Halloween.  I really love this time of year.

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