Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The (Official) Last One

I can't believe it's been a year already.  It's true what adults tell you - you don't know where the time goes.  It has been one hell of a hard year for me.  And for my family.  Let me see if I can recount all the big stuff that's happened in the last 365 days of my life that has been life-altering...

-My sister left her husband, moved in with my parents, lost and regained custody of her kids
-I moved out, lived with Tiffany for a couple of weeks, then moved to Lafayette
-I got the job I have now
-I broke up with, and mended fences with Kate
-I broke up with Jen - my last single, unattached close friend in Colorado
-I went back to school
-I went on a lot of first dates

I think that's the big stuff.  The stuff that affected me.  You know, aside from the depression stuff.

I wrote a LOT.  This is the 384th post.  I'm sort of tempted to attempt to print out everything I've written just to see how many pages long it would be.  I poured my thoughts out every day, holding very little (but some) back.  I cried and laughed and probably felt every single feeling possible within the myriad of feelings one can feel, aside from the elated, head over heels, crazy in love feeling that I so desperately want to feel for someone.

I feel like I've grown a whole hell of a lot over the last year, made leaps and bounds in terms of learning about myself and how to control my emotions and how to handle things all by myself.  It's been really difficult at times, really easy at times, and overall a really good experience for me to try and record the ups and downs I feel while trying to gain control over my life, learn how to be an adult, maneuver through relationships, and everything else.

I am terrified of the future, but spending my time worrying about it is not helpful.  I know that.  It's just a matter of being able to accept that there are things that I don't have control over, but that if I can go to bed each day knowing that I did my best, worked my hardest, and just was the best version of myself that I could be, I will be okay.

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday.  I don't think that I have ever had a bad birthday, on the actual day, and I don't think tomorrow will be that day.  But I have no plans to have any kind of celebration this year, after the catastrophe that was last year.  I just want it to come and go.  I'd love to go out and celebrate but I have no one to go with.  I've pretty much alienated everyone who went last year.  But like one person.  Which kind of hurts to think about.  It's amazing what can happen in the course of a year.

I've been hopeful and hopeless.  I've been really happy and really sad.  I've been scared and felt invincible, and I've been hurt and I've felt loved.  What more could anyone ask for?

I think I will be just fine.  I think I need to do a whole lot more work, and I plan to keep writing as I need to.  If there's a day when my irritability is about to get the best of me, or if I need to try to work something out, I'm going to write.  Writing has been my greatest outlet and it has been the best thing I could have done over the course of the last year to help me heal from the inside out. 

I still have a lot to learn, so stay tuned.

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