Tuesday, October 1, 2013

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand..................She's back!

I haven't written in a long, long time.  The year that I spent writing was unbelievably healing for me.  I don't know if it was the writing or the circumstances of my life that changed me, but I am in dire need of a change right now.  So I am going to start writing again, on the advice of a friend that recently stumbled across my blog.

It feels kind of awkward, right now.  I mean, I thought a lot about what I might write during the day today after I decided to start writing again, but I only really thought about the implications of my writing - not really much about what, exactly, I'd write about.  I feel the need to fill in the gaps, but I feel like that would require me to write what might equal about 50 pages or so, so I think I will have to just bypass the last two years and start from where I am right now.

Right now: I'm at rock bottom.  I might even be below rock bottom.  I love the description that Rachel gives in one episode of Friends - "There's rock bottom....then 50 feet of crap, then me."  

I was doing amazingly well - fantastic, even - up until a couple of months ago.  The trigger for this latest depressive episode (and it's an especially nasty one, let me tell you) was the breakup.  I had been seeing someone pretty seriously since February of this year, and he ended things with me in the first week of August.  His reasoning was that to him, we weren't lovers anymore, we were pals.  Apparently our sex life wasn't up to his standards.  Either way, I've been working through that for going on two months now.

I've also been dealing with having gained somewhere around 35lbs since the I stopped writing, and that's become a HUMONGOUS issue for me, emotionally.  I have a lot of excuses for why that's happened, but I only recently got confirmation that it's a medical issue and not just laziness on my part, but that doesn't help me much; I still blame myself for that happening.

My brain is increasingly overwhelmed with thoughts about why I feel the way I feel and what I could be doing about it and so I am really hoping that writing, at least something, every day, will be helpful.  I think I said it about 100 times or more during the year I wrote, but for me, writing feels like I'm able to pour all of that crap that swims around my brain out into a medium that allows me to both keep record of it and still get it out of my head so I can maintain some semblance of sanity.

Perhaps I can write tomorrow about all of the things that happened to me today that influenced my increasingly negative perspective of myself and break them down a little further.  The biggest one involves a guy I had been in contact with since the same time I met my recent ex-boyfriend, who made a serious effort to stay in contact with me the whole time -  only to seemingly reject me not just once recently.  Either way, I've had a lot of wine this evening - which breaks the nutritionally sound eating plan I had a $125/hour nutritionist put me on - so I need to get to sleep.

This year for my birthday, I decided I wanted to take one last camping trip.  I went camping with The Ex 5 times over the summer and I enjoyed the crap out of each trip and I'm loathe to have them end already.  So I have gathered a group of friends to go camping with me this one last time and celebrate my being on this planet.  We wanted to go this coming weekend, my actual birthday weekend, but the weather isn't going to cooperate so we are going to attempt to go next weekend instead.  Plus the government has shut down and so National Parks may not even be open again until next weekend at the very earliest.  That seems to be the biggest complaint about the government shut down thus far, anyway....and I can get into my thoughts and feelings on that topic later too.  I mean, I have all the time in the world to write, don't I?

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