Monday, October 21, 2013

I need to be knocked out of this cycle

Well, today didn't go exactly as planned.  I didn't really wake up until about noon today, which is a bad thing.  Poor Phoenix was up a good part of the late night/early morning with tummy upset.  I always feel so badly for him when he has to get up and go outside a bunch.  He gets such strange stomach upset every once in awhile, and it gets all gurgly and noisy and it even sounds like there's even a kitten in there sometimes.  And I feel so bad for him because I know how uncomfortable that must be.  But upon waking up, I didn't just pop out of bed and go downstairs with my computer and begin working on homework.  I sort of ambled down there, taking my time, screwing around.  I finally got around to sitting down to work by about 1:30, and worked until about 2:30, but my mind wasn't really in it.  The work I was supposed to be working on was an outline for a research(ish) paper for my Wrongful Convictions class.  The topic my paper is supposed to be on is the fallibility of eyewitness identifications, and how often they are incorrect and lead to wrongful conviction.  This particular assignment requires the notation of 5-6 scholarly sources, so I spent most of my time looking for scholarly sources that would support the idea that eyewitness testimony isn't nearly as reliable as it is deemed to be in court.   There's a TON of scholarly research based on this topic, so I had quite a bit of crap to slog through to find my 5-6 scholarly articles, so I basically just picked some blindly based on the abstracts and the closest I could find to what I'm going to be attempting to write about.  All I have left is to do the annotations (about 150 word descriptions of the articles), and hopefully I can get through that in the next couple of evenings and get this crap turned in.

I didn't hear at all from the people in my department about dropping my class, so I'm pretty sure that on Wednesday when I'm down on campus for counseling, I'll have to go into the office and actually see and talk to people.  Hopefully that will be the last thing I have to do.

Can I please just reiterate how much I hate being in school right now.  This class is interesting.  This class would be intensely interesting to me if I were in my right mind.  How do I make myself care about this stuff so that I can get through it?

After last night's post, my pal Tiffany sent me a message on Facebook telling me that she's concerned with my drinking, because if I hope to gain anything from being back on medication, all that drinking will do is make the medication less effective and I will feel worse.  So I have to try really hard to stop with the drinking.  I'm not going to put a timeline on it, but she's right.  If I want to feel better at all, no more alcohol.  So I guess I'm down to benzos.  Which I don't like any more than being on anything at all, but if there's something that can give me some relief at all, I shouldn't complain about it.

Something that I have some trouble with on a pretty regular basis - and I fully notice a difference when it happens - is that I feel a lot better when I'm having several different conversations with several different people all at once.  When I'm texting with a few different friends at the same time, and IMming with one friend on Gmail, and messaging a couple different people on Facebook, I just FEEL BETTER.  However, most of the time, I am conversing with no one - like right now - and I feel kind of yucky,  Just alone.  And reminded of my alone-ness.  There's a big huge world out there, and I feel better when I'm out in it.  Except my job right now requires me to work in a small office, all by myself all day long, with very minimal human interaction, and it's not helping me much at all.  But I don't know what to do about it, aside from push to have us move our office back to The Registry sooner than later.  And "later" could be as late as March.  Which seems like an awfully long ways away from here.  I think I might feel better if I had a chance for more human contact.  Plus we really need to have more room so that I can stay organized.

If I could have one wish, right now, I would wish that I would immediately feel better, and that my Depression would be entirely cured, and that I would never have to feel like this ever again.  When I feel like this, I feel like something is slowly ripping my soul into tinier and tinier pieces and that it will take forever for me to find all the pieces and put them back together again and feel whole.  If ever.

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