Saturday, October 19, 2013

Endless Frustration - For Nothing

I do not feel like writing at all tonight.  All I want to do at this point is isolate.  I don't know why.  I don't know where this is coming from since I've been doing a little better the last couple of days.

The worst part of this crap is that when I get to beginning to feel better, I feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can finally take a deep breath without feeling like I've got the weight of the world on top of me.  Then all of a sudden, I get sad or anxious and it comes out of nowhere and I don't know how to deal with it.

I was doing fine today.  I finally got all my clean laundry put away today, that's been sitting in laundry baskets for who knows how long.  I rewarded myself with a nap.  Then I went to my parents house for their little spooky pre-Halloween night of monster food - Jack-O-Lantern quesadillas, "Monster Toes" (pigs in a blanket), buzzard legs (chicken legs), and eyeball salad (green jello with grapes and other fruit in it).  Then we decided to watch Casper, and that's when it went downhill for me.  Nothing happened.  We were just sitting there watching the movie when the anxiety of my schoolwork washed over me again.  I dread it so unbelievably much, and when I dread it so much, I put it off, and the longer I put it off, the worse it gets.  It's a vicious cycle.

And even worse is that my life doesn't suck!  I don't have three kids to juggle.  I don't have to live with my daughter and her three small children.  I don't have the responsibility of a mortgage and several other mouths to feed.  I'm a twenty-something single person with no kids and virtually no responsibilities besides taking care of myself and I can't even fucking do that much!  

So I don't know what my problem is.  I had a lovely night with my family, and three wonderful little kiddos that love me to death, and all I can think about is how unhappy I am.  There's something really wrong with that.

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