Monday, October 28, 2013

Existential Questions Late at Night

So the only reason I'm writing now is because I can't sleep.  Perhaps it is because I slept a good portion of the day away, after waking up right about noon.  I'm well aware that my sleep schedule is something that direly needs regulation, and so that's something I'm hoping to get on top of this coming week.

I mostly felt pretty good today, with moments of sadness, for which I took some Ativan, and all that did was make me sleepy.  So I slept.  Didn't really get much else of anything done.  I did get some stuff done for work that I should have done on Friday, but as long as I got it done before tomorrow, I'm in good shape.

What is keeping me up right now, I suppose, is that I hadn't thought of the possibility of applying for a morgue internship with the Coroner's Office, though I have already been turned down for an investigative internship.  With my EMT certification, I should have a leg up on some of the other applicants (how many people actually want to work in a morgue, I wonder?!), and the fact that I've already observed some autopsies without any trouble.  But that's something I'd like to get done this week.  It might help me to feel SOME kind of direction, and it is entirely and honestly something I'm interested in.  If I can't do the investigative part of it (which I know I would have been fantastic at!), I will attempt to do the autopsy tech part of it.  I at least have a better chance than if I apply for the investigative part again (which I plan to do anyway just to annoy them).

Via Facebook, I found out that one of my very oldest friends from way back in kindergarten is now pregnant.  I went to her wedding a couple of years ago, and I'm beyond happy for her, but every time that someone gets engaged or married or pregnant, it just reminds me that I'm not.  That I'm not even close.  I'm not even close to close.  And I'm edging up on 30 here.  Which gets me thinking that I may not even have time to either freeze my eggs, or find a sperm donor and have IVF.  With whatever tiny bit of savings I have left by then.

Literally, these are the thoughts that go through my head, day in and day out.  I do so want to have at least one child of my own someday, and though I'm nowhere near ready right now, I know that I want to have the option SOMEDAY.  And the steps I have to take in order to at least have that option are right now beginning to dwindle.  It's one thing to get knocked up at 23 or 25 and be done with it, but without even so much as a boyfriend, I have to start thinking that if I want my own little family, I have to depend on no one but myself for it.  Part of me is happy being the dog lady, but part of me realizes that dogs have a lifespan WAY shorter than that of a human and that's a lot of heartbreak.  And look at me.  The last heartbreak I experienced sent me into this tailspin.

When I think of my friends that are married or are already parents, I inevitably begin to wonder why, and what it is about me, that has precluded me from that grouping.  What is it about me that has made me unable to maintain a romantic relationship with a man, or even get to the point of engagement?  My deepest, most desperate desire is to be able to get married and have a kid someday, and each and every day that seems to be further and further unreachable.  Jesus, I have done the three biggest things that I wanted to do before I died this year: get a gun, get my motorcycle license, and learn how to scuba dive.  How hard can it possibly be to find a man that I want to be with for the rest of my life; one that I want to procreate with?!   Even stupid people manage to do it!  What is it!?!  About me!?!?  That makes me incapable of this one thing - the one thing that I want above all other things!?!?  I know that my own emotional problems are indeed part of the big problem, but when it comes down to it, I really know myself.  I know myself well, and I have learned to not just accept my flaws, but sometimes I can even love myself in spite of them.  And isn't that part of the key to finding someone to love you?  So what, then?  What else can I do, besides try to just live the best way I know how?

I feel so alone.  It's really easy for other people to tell you they know what you're going through, or to tell me what they think that I should do, but when it comes down to it, I really feel quite clueless.  I just want to make a difference in this world and I don't have any idea where to start.

1 comment:

  1. That's awesome to hear you had a semi-decent weekend. Those were powerful vibes I sent down from the mountain. Know that you ARE making a difference in this world. Your words are powerful and touch a lot of lives. And there is still time to do more. I was driving to work today thinking that if Lou Reed can live until 71, I surely can, which means I'm not even halfway there yet! All this time I thought it was all downhill after 30, but I was wrong. We still have so much time. But first, get your homework done. An internship with the Coroner's Office sounds excellent!!