Sunday, October 6, 2013

Happy Stupid Birthday

So, today's my birthday.  Big whoop.  I feel like I should be able to have control over whether or not I have to celebrate my birthday, and I definitely don't.  I just wanted today to be a totally regular day, with no song and dance, where I could choose to do something nice for myself if I wanted to, and that's it.  Instead, I had to go celebrate my birthday with my family.  My little sister and I got into a decent fight this morning because she thinks that I am purposely staying in this pit that I'm in, and that every day is a pity party for me, and that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.  She thinks I just need to change my attitude and I'll feel better.  I gave her the same little lecture I give anyone that thinks that this is something that I can completely control.  I honestly don't feel like getting into any of the details of it, but it's along the lines of, "You obviously have no idea of the depths to which this shit goes..." and that just having a positive attitude is not going to fix it.  I beat myself up enough about every tiny detail of my life, I don't need to listen to someone else tell me that I'm experiencing this wrong, too.  It pisses me off just to think about it, even now.

My mood has progressively gotten worse as the day went on.  I woke up around 9am, thought about going to the gym and then decided against it.  I laid back down in bed and watched TV and dozed for awhile.  Then I woke up and went to my parents house.  My dad baked the cake for me that I had asked him to bake and then I decorated it - I'll post a picture of it eventually when I feel like actually going to the lengths it takes to post a picture.  I literally have negative energy right now.

We had dinner, which was really yummy but because I have been eating so carefully lately, it was way too rich for me and now I feel pretty nauseated.  My dad made me a bacon-wrapped filet mignon and we had artichoke hearts and bearnaise sauce, which is one of my all-time favorite meals - but I barely tasted it because I apparently am not able to stimulate the pleasure centers in my brain at this point.  I really appreciated all the work that my parents put into it, but I would have been able to get more out of it on any given day.

I fucking hate feeling like this.  So much.  It's like I'm walking around in a bubble that prevents me from seeing anything clearly, or hearing wonderful sounds, or tasting anything delicious.  Everything is muffled, foggy, and bland.

I have the appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow though I don't know how the hell I'm going to get up and make it there because I literally want to just stay in bed for a couple of days until I don't feel quite so awful.  Because I do - not just mentally, but physically today.

I really worry a lot that I'm going to have to go back on Effexor.  I'm even thinking of starting them again tonight because I need something - anything - in my system to help me shake this shit.

God dammit.  I hate this.

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