Friday, October 4, 2013

In the Throes of It

Today was just plain awful.  After the jovial evening I had last night, I suppose something had to give.

The anxiety and irritation I felt today was at 99%.  I could say it was at 100% but I never had a full-blown anxiety attack where my heart was racing and I couldn't stop myself from crying.  I did the best I could to consciously stop my mind from continually focusing on all the kinds of obligations and responsibilities I have that I have no control over, but it was in vain because no matter what I did, my thoughts would race back to all of the homework I have to get done over the weekend, all of the work responsibilities I have and how I'll probably have to do at least some work over the weekend (which I really don't like at all), how I cannot for the life of me stick to the eating plan that I'm supposed to be on because it makes me even more cranky because I can't eat what I want, and about how guilty I feel for not sticking to it.  And I think I went back to how much I HATE my body a good 100 times today - each time I had to adjust my clothes because they were riding up around the odd lumps of fat I have around my waist and hips.  I even put on one of my favorite pairs of sweatpants when I got home from work and they felt smaller.  And there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it, aside from working out at the gym every single day, which is absolutely impossible as far as my motivation and energy level are concerned.  That's something that occupies like 80% of my brain space - how fucking much I hate my body.  I can feel my blood pressure rising even as I think about it right now.  I mean, how fucking hard is it to stop eating and work out??   For me, impossible.

On that subject, I know that I need to get to the gym.  I know that if I work out, I'll feel better afterwards.  I'm fully aware of how important that is.  But I can't fucking do it.  If I make a plan to do it, and then don't follow through, there's intense guilt.  If I'm at a point right now where the process of getting out of bed to shower or brush my teeth is absolutely overwhelming, making it to the gym is completely out of the question.  So I'm stuck in this cycle of hating my body with every molecule that makes it up, and hating my brain for not letting me do something about my body.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that it occupies about 80% of my brain space on any given day.  Even talking about it that much makes me want to rip my skin off my body or just crawl right out of it.  I am so unbelievably uncomfortable.

The other 20% of my brain space is devoted to worrying about the schoolwork I have to do.  By midnight on Sunday, (my birthday, of course), I have at least two assignments due that require I'm guessing a good 4-6 hours of reading research papers all told, and it's all the most dry and uninteresting and awful stuff to have to sit and attempt to read when I can hardly keep my brain on one simple topic for more than 5 seconds at a time.  I hate school.  I hate it as much as I hate my body, and I feel like there's even less I can do about it.  I have to attempt to do the work because I cannot handle failing a class and getting kicked out of the program.  The one class that I have that is actually on campus instead of online is absolutely the least interesting topic I think I could have chosen, but the professor is completely brilliant and I've explained to her my situation and she is really quite supportive of me and willing to try and help if she can.  I actually emailed disability services at school today to see what my options are for a disability-based drop or withdrawal with minimal penalty.  It's actually something I'm entertaining.  I think if I could get my shit together enough to make it through each day without this insane amount of anxiety, I might be able to handle doing the schoolwork that I need to be able to do.  But right now, I need to try to get my head back on straight before I can fulfill any kind of obligations I'd have for school.  I really just can't handle it all right now.  It's too much.

I'm really tired of feeling overwhelmed and panicky.  It's like no matter what I'm doing, my heart jumps when I realize that I have something that I need to do and then my brain gets going again.  I am having a really, really difficult time handling it.  And I'm out of klonopin.

On the plus side of things, I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday.  Even if I'm not going back onto antidepressants, perhaps I can get a decent supply of anti-anxiety medication for days like this.

When I got home from work, I took a klonopin immediately and within an hour of taking it, I was out cold on the couch, sitting up.  I don't ever remember it having that strong of an affect on me before, but perhaps now that I'm not pumped full of antidepressants that have anti-anxiety medication in them, it has a much stronger affect.  I think that also, when I drink a lot at night, I can subsequently expect a day like this.  I woke up feeling a bit hungover (I had like 3 large glasses of wine and a beer), which is pretty unusual after that amount of alcohol, so I think that again, now that I'm off the medications, alcohol is going to affect me differently and I need to be extra aware of that.

I still feel completely out of control.  I'm trying so hard to just "be in the moment," and I am finding it next to impossible.  I want so badly to just flip the switch in my brain and allow myself to be completely unaware of all the teeny tiny things that my brain is constantly working through.  Because right now I'm completely aware of every.  Single.  Thing.

I'm going to go ahead and get to sleep.  I'd like to think that I will go to the gym in the morning - finally be able to force myself to get up and get there - so that I can stop beating myself up about it every other minute of the day.  And if I go to bed this early, I have a better chance of waking up after 7 or 8 hours when my body is done sleeping and I can actually get something out of my day tomorrow.  I have to at least hope.

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