Sunday, October 20, 2013

Surprisingly, The Walking Dead Cures All Ills!

Meredi asked me how I was doing tonight, and I answered her honestly, "I don't know.  I've been all over the place today."  Which is the straight truth.  When I woke up this morning, I didn't really want to do anything at all, so I didn't.  I keep waiting for this feeling of dread to lift, because it does occasionally, and for me to feel ready and motivated to get through the homework I need to get through.  It never lifted today, but I forced myself to make a decision about the one class I've been considering dropping - the one where the amazing professor has been incredibly helpful and supportive - and sent the necessary emails to the necessary people to begin the process of petitioning to drop the class.  I'm really hoping that the process will be easier than I anticipate it to be.  I doubt it will be though.

Here's an issue I'm struggling with that I haven't really discussed until now: getting out of my head, with benzo's and alcohol.  Alcohol is a depressant.  I hear that over and over and over from God and everyone.  I know it's a depressant.  I've felt the effects of it the next day or days later.  I think I've even written about how yucky drinking sometimes makes me feel.  But in the moment, it allows me to shut my brain off and function as a normal human being.  Or so I think.  Today, I drank vodka.  I had a couple of rather large screwdrivers, because all we had for me mix with it was orange juice.  I so badly just want to be able to shut my brain off.  I want to stop thinking ALL the FUCKING TIME, and drinking allows me to do that.  I know that that's what the Ativan is for, but benzodiazapines are terribly addictive and I sincerely don't want to risk that kind of an addiction.  I have been taking it at night before bed or when I wake up in the middle of the night, but I worry that I will get both tolerant of it and addicted to it and that's one more problem I really don't need.  It's really easy to joke about benzo's and taking them and drinking too, but it's a very serious problem and I would not be able to tolerate that kind of problem.  I would probably have to kill myself if I had to deal with that too.

Bottom line is that for me, right now, a quiet mind is worth the risk of possible addiction or damage to my liver from drinking and also being on antidepressants.  I simply cannot stand all of the thinking about my homework.  Because right now, that is all that occupies my mind when I'm not actively doing something.  I dread.  DREAD.  With annoyance you cannot imagine.  Having to get this crap done for school.  I absolutely hate it above all other things.  For crying out loud, I put my laundry away yesterday before I started working on homework!  And with my decision to drop the class I really didn't like, this is homework for a class that's actually sort of interesting!  Wrongful Convictions!  Stuff that is interesting to read about!  Research that is actually within the realm of my interest!  My tentative plan is to really get going on it tomorrow.  To get up, move my laptop downstairs to the kitchen table, and actually do the work.  Because I won't get it done sitting on my bed.  I still have half an entire novel to read, a 3-5 page summary to write, an outline and annotated bibliography to come up with.  I don't anticipate being able to finish that book or write the summary, but I can at least write the outline and bibliography and spend some more time reading the book.  I'd just like to get it finished sometime in the near future.  If I could just read about 50-100 pages a day, I'd be done by the end of the week.  It's just that when I am reading, my mind is working and I am so sick of it working.  I just want it to stop.  The only times I have been able to get it to stop is when I am watching TV or a movie or drinking or on Ativan.  All the rest of the time it is processing, trying to come up with possible solutions to real or imaginary problems, coming up with arbitrary reasons to feel guilty about things I don't need to feel guilty about, looking for solutions to problems I haven't even encountered yet and on and on.  For once I'd like to just be bored, not having to worry about things that don't need my worries.

Oh, and I think I have an eye infection.  Like there's not enough wrong with my body that I have to take care of on a damn daily basis.  What the actual fuck.  I hate having to wear my glasses because I feel like it makes my eyes feel more tired.  And the Broncos are losing to the Colts and my fantasy team may not break 100 points for the first time ever.  Honestly, universe!?!?

I really like to think that each day is a new opportunity to make new (right) choices and do things a little differently.  I wake up each morning and try to adjust my day to how I feel, instead of just making myself do the things I need to do.  I would give anything.  ANYTHING.  I would sell my soul to the devil.  In order to be able to function like a normal human being most days instead of just wanting to stay in bed and sleep because I can't bear to be conscious and deal with all the life stuff that being conscious requires.  Choices and decision making and taking care of stuff that needs to be taken care of.  Sometimes it's just easier in the moment to ignore that stuff, but in the long run, it's much easier to just do the things I need to do, in the time I've been given to do them.   Yet I can't.

I have a friend that is in the exact same place emotionally as I am right now.  She just started seeing a psychiatrist, just started on medication, and is just as affected as I am by her moods, emotions and anxiety.  I often compare my experience with Depression with people that have Diabetes.  It's a chemical imbalance in my body that I have no control over.  The medication I take is able to help correct that imbalance so that I don't die.  But she was able to come up with an even better comparison, and it's mostly for people that want people like her and I to just "suck it up," or "be more positive," or "change your outlook."  Her comparison is to people that are paralyzed.  People that are paralyzed can't just think themselves out of paralysis.  They can't change their attitude and suddenly be able to walk.  They can't suck it up.  There is a literal disconnect between part of their brains and part of their bodies.  In the same way, there's a disconnect between the part of my brain that says, "Beth, get up and do your homework!" and the part of my brain that says, "Okay!"  The Depression and Anxiety that I deal with on a daily basis is paralyzing.  It makes me unable to get up, out of my bed, and take a shower and brush my teeth and get dressed.  And this is what a lot of people don't understand.  While you can't see it, it's a very real thing.  And something I've been wanting to address for awhile.  And now I have.

I can't stand to watch the Broncos lose like this anymore.  Time to watch Walking Dead.  That ought to help turn my mind off for awhile.

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