Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Day Two of Infinity

As much as I don't feel like writing tonight, I have to stick with it in order for it to work.  It's like working out, but without the sweating and breathlessness.  And you don't get any skinnier.

I was off work today, but I had an appointment this morning so I had to get out of bed and move around, which was really good.  I tend to feel much better when I get up and do things.  The plan today was to drive up to a potential camping site for the camping trip I'm planning as a little birthday present to myself, and I did that.  Unfortunately the road was crazy rocky (4-wheel drive, only, and luckily my new car has that), and there were no real spots to plop down and camp comfortably, so now I have to come up with a Plan B, which may or may not be Chambers Lake where The Ex took me a bunch of times over the summer.  I know the area, I know the lakes, and I'm comfortable there.  Plus there are moose there and that's super cool.  They're so huge.  There are some logistical issues that I won't really have worked out until I get up there - one being that the flooding this year took out a lot of areas of National Forest and a lot of roads, and it's very possible that the area around Chambers is a little wrecked, but so far the research I've done tells me that it is ok - and the other being that the government shut down has closed a LOT of areas, mostly National Parks, and so if they don't get their shit together by next weekend, there's a possibility that the area will be closed.  I guess we won't find out for sure until we try to go up there....

I'm seeing a new therapist for the first time tomorrow morning, before work.  I'm really hopeful that we can at least get a game plan together and get me referred to a psychiatrist so that I can finally get some relief.  I really, really don't want to go back on antidepressants but I'm willing to try just about anything else.  Maybe even ECT.  I need something because I can't stand living like this.

I mostly feel crazy anxious and overwhelmed.  All the time.  The amount of stuff I have to do for work overwhelms me.  The amount of schoolwork I have due each week overwhelms me.  The thought of working out overwhelms me.  The thought of writing down my thoughts and feelings overwhelms me.  The thought of putting together a camping trip overwhelms me.  Paying my bills overwhelms me.  I am a complete wreck.  The only thing I feel capable of doing is successfully getting to sleep each night because for some reason my body cannot get enough sleep.

And when I dream, I feel like I am finally not burdened by all of the things that I feel just crushing me when I'm awake.  This makes waking up that much more difficult.  And so I hate to do it.  So I will get to bed now because that's about the only thing I'm able to do at this point.  This sucks so unbelievably much.

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