As much as I don't feel like writing tonight, I have to stick with it in order for it to work. It's like working out, but without the sweating and breathlessness. And you don't get any skinnier.
I was off work today, but I had an appointment this morning so I had to get out of bed and move around, which was really good. I tend to feel much better when I get up and do things. The plan today was to drive up to a potential camping site for the camping trip I'm planning as a little birthday present to myself, and I did that. Unfortunately the road was crazy rocky (4-wheel drive, only, and luckily my new car has that), and there were no real spots to plop down and camp comfortably, so now I have to come up with a Plan B, which may or may not be Chambers Lake where The Ex took me a bunch of times over the summer. I know the area, I know the lakes, and I'm comfortable there. Plus there are moose there and that's super cool. They're so huge. There are some logistical issues that I won't really have worked out until I get up there - one being that the flooding this year took out a lot of areas of National Forest and a lot of roads, and it's very possible that the area around Chambers is a little wrecked, but so far the research I've done tells me that it is ok - and the other being that the government shut down has closed a LOT of areas, mostly National Parks, and so if they don't get their shit together by next weekend, there's a possibility that the area will be closed. I guess we won't find out for sure until we try to go up there....
I'm seeing a new therapist for the first time tomorrow morning, before work. I'm really hopeful that we can at least get a game plan together and get me referred to a psychiatrist so that I can finally get some relief. I really, really don't want to go back on antidepressants but I'm willing to try just about anything else. Maybe even ECT. I need something because I can't stand living like this.
I mostly feel crazy anxious and overwhelmed. All the time. The amount of stuff I have to do for work overwhelms me. The amount of schoolwork I have due each week overwhelms me. The thought of working out overwhelms me. The thought of writing down my thoughts and feelings overwhelms me. The thought of putting together a camping trip overwhelms me. Paying my bills overwhelms me. I am a complete wreck. The only thing I feel capable of doing is successfully getting to sleep each night because for some reason my body cannot get enough sleep.
And when I dream, I feel like I am finally not burdened by all of the things that I feel just crushing me when I'm awake. This makes waking up that much more difficult. And so I hate to do it. So I will get to bed now because that's about the only thing I'm able to do at this point. This sucks so unbelievably much.
I was off work today, but I had an appointment this morning so I had to get out of bed and move around, which was really good. I tend to feel much better when I get up and do things. The plan today was to drive up to a potential camping site for the camping trip I'm planning as a little birthday present to myself, and I did that. Unfortunately the road was crazy rocky (4-wheel drive, only, and luckily my new car has that), and there were no real spots to plop down and camp comfortably, so now I have to come up with a Plan B, which may or may not be Chambers Lake where The Ex took me a bunch of times over the summer. I know the area, I know the lakes, and I'm comfortable there. Plus there are moose there and that's super cool. They're so huge. There are some logistical issues that I won't really have worked out until I get up there - one being that the flooding this year took out a lot of areas of National Forest and a lot of roads, and it's very possible that the area around Chambers is a little wrecked, but so far the research I've done tells me that it is ok - and the other being that the government shut down has closed a LOT of areas, mostly National Parks, and so if they don't get their shit together by next weekend, there's a possibility that the area will be closed. I guess we won't find out for sure until we try to go up there....
I'm seeing a new therapist for the first time tomorrow morning, before work. I'm really hopeful that we can at least get a game plan together and get me referred to a psychiatrist so that I can finally get some relief. I really, really don't want to go back on antidepressants but I'm willing to try just about anything else. Maybe even ECT. I need something because I can't stand living like this.
I mostly feel crazy anxious and overwhelmed. All the time. The amount of stuff I have to do for work overwhelms me. The amount of schoolwork I have due each week overwhelms me. The thought of working out overwhelms me. The thought of writing down my thoughts and feelings overwhelms me. The thought of putting together a camping trip overwhelms me. Paying my bills overwhelms me. I am a complete wreck. The only thing I feel capable of doing is successfully getting to sleep each night because for some reason my body cannot get enough sleep.
And when I dream, I feel like I am finally not burdened by all of the things that I feel just crushing me when I'm awake. This makes waking up that much more difficult. And so I hate to do it. So I will get to bed now because that's about the only thing I'm able to do at this point. This sucks so unbelievably much.
No comments:
Post a Comment