Tuesday, October 29, 2013

It All Comes Back to Our Parents

Today was almost easy.  I woke up, got up, showered, actually blow dried my hair, and made it to work.  I thought I would be there by myself today, but my boss came in with her lovely baby and made my day a little more interesting.  It was really nice to have someone there to talk to, and it was really fun to have a little baby around, and I felt sooooo close to normal again.  I had to leave by 3:30 to pick up my mom from work since my dad had their car today, and that's where things took a turn.

My mom used to be my closest ally in surviving Depression.  She asked me if I had begun my outpatient treatment yet, which obviously I haven't, and we talked about why I don't want to do it.  I think what pissed me off the most was when I said that I feel like I should get a medal for getting up and doing normal things like going to work and running errands, and she said that no, I shouldn't because everyone has to get up and do things like go to work and stuff.  I said that I meant that when I'm feeling my absolute, very worst, it's miraculous to have been able to get up and get to work and get to appointments with doctors and everything.  She told me that I have to figure out a way to get out of my head because as things are right now, I'm really my own worst enemy.  We talked, at length, about what my thoughts are for a future with law enforcement, why I'm in school in the first place, what happens if I "drop out" of school (which I put in quotation marks because that's how she and my dad put it), why I feel so hopeless about grad school and working in law enforcement, and what my thoughts are for what I might do to make myself feel any fulfillment later on, if at all.  The whole conversation really brought my mood down.  This is all stuff that I've thought about, and written about, and maybe even talked with my therapist and/or psychiatrist about, but I haven't been judged, or felt judged about these thoughts yet.  To hear her opinions about all of it, and to hear her tell me that some of what's wrong with me is in my head was hard to hear.  She's my mom.  She's always been the most sympathetic, and the most understanding because I thought she'd been in my position at least a couple of times in her life.  But it was a real eye-opener to hear that maybe she doesn't believe that things are as bad for me as they are...or have been.  She asked me what I'm doing that gives me any enjoyment, and I told her that I've started writing again, which I sometimes enjoy, and that I don't enjoy anything else, at all.  That I've lost all interest in anything, which is the honest truth.

We got back to my parents house and continued taking a little bit, and I told her that my aunt had emailed me and how I felt about that.  She showed me the costume she's made for my nephew - it's Eye Man from Power Rangers - it's a costume covered in eyeballs, and she's done a really spectacular job of it - and I decided to stay for dinner since I had Phoenix with me and if I had gone home I'd just lay in bed and watch TV.  I wanted to see the kids, too.   It was good to have a home-cooked meal and spend some time with the little monsters.

I have purposely avoided talking to my mom this time around, I think, expressly because I didn't want to hear what she has to say about where I am emotionally and how I'm feeling.  Which is weird to actually acknowledge.  I really like my parents, as people.  As parents, I don't necessarily agree with all of their choices, but since they're adults, and I'm an adult now, I am allowed to disagree with them.  As people, they're really the nicest people out there, and they treat me really fantastically as an adult child.  They're pretty good about not being too judgmental of some of the decisions I make, and they do care about my well-being.  They're awfully generous and kind-hearted and I love them dearly.

I get so much mail at my parents house, too, and I make a point of making sure I grab everything each time I go over there.  This time I had a $275 bill for the MRIs I had done which I was kind of shocked about.  When I had my MRI's done in the summer, I paid $550 out of pocket for them, and after they were done, they called me back and said that the MRI doc wanted to see another angle so I needed to sit in the machine for like 15-30 more minutes.  I was frustrated at the time because the first set of images took about an hour and a half which was longer than anticipated, and I didn't want to have to go back and sit in the tube for another 30 minutes, but when they didn't mention anything to me about having to pay for more images, I figured they already felt bad about inconveniencing me enough by having me come back to the place that there wouldn't be additional charges for the additional images.  Not the case, I guess.  I'm definitely going to have to make a phone call for this one and I'm NOT looking forward to that.  I'll have to save it for a day when I'm feeling particularly strong, which is going to have to be spur of the moment since I never know when that's going to happen.  It doesn't help me to have shit like this hanging over my head.  I'd really like to stop spending money all the freaking time, and it doesn't help me to have big-ass bills like that just popping up from something I thought was over and done with.

When I got home tonight, I was overwhelmed by the stench of something burned, or burning.  New Roommate was messing around with the programmable thermostat and there was a tray of pumpkin seeds on the stove, so I just assumed she either burned a batch of those, or really doesn't know how to cook them.  I tried to hole up in my bedroom, open a window despite the 40 degree temperature outside, turn my fan on and light some candles.  Coming home to a smell like that certainly doesn't help my mood at all.

So, to sum up, I want to come up with some positives for the day so that it doesn't end on the sour stinky note it's currently on.

-I got to see my boss and her baby today.  Despite the fact that she's my boss, I think the world of her, I respect the crap out of her, and I just plain like her.
-I woke up feeling pretty good for a change.
- My hair looked good all day long.
-I got to see my sister's kids, and got kisses from all of them, and got to talk to them about their Halloween Costumes.
-I got to see my parents and help them out on a day when they needed my help.
-I got to spend the entire day with Phoenix - every waking moment.  I took him to work with me because we were having people come to blow out the sprinkler system today and didn't want him flipping shit or biting anyone.
-I didn't have to cook myself dinner or spend money on it.

There.  Now I can go do bed and not be in a crabby mood.

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