Wednesday, October 30, 2013

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

Today I felt pretty good.  I had appointments to get to today, and although I didn't want to get out of bed this morning at all, I did anyway.  First thing was the laser hair-removal appointment that I bought with a Groupon for my "underarms" (I just call them armpits but that sounds so unladylike).  I had just enough time to come home in between that appointment and my two on campus to get a chicken out of the freezer to start defrosting it on the off chance I wanted to actually make myself dinner tonight.

Then I had to go to Denver to see my new counselor and psychiatrist.  I cried A LOT during my session today.  We talked about how I've been feeling and why I have such hatred of school right now.  We talked about why I feel such guilt over the smallest things and why I have such high expectations of myself.  I told her about my experience with my mom yesterday and eventually all of it came back to how I was raised and how I have rarely felt like I have choices in the things that I've done, like playing soccer and taking piano lessons.  It's really a lot to get into and I am actually feeling kind of sleepy already so I kind of just want to take the evening and watch movies without being on the computer and get to sleep before midnight.  Maybe I can really write about it more another time.  I'd definitely like to be able to work it out in writing just to have for myself so I can look back on it and have some clarity later on.

After my session with my counselor, I had about an hour until I was supposed to see my psychiatrist, so I decided to sit in the student center and get some more of my book read.  I found a nice comfy purple armchair on the third floor and read for just a few minutes when someone walked out of an office and asked if there was anyone out in the hallway that wanted to participate in a granola taste-test.  I said sure, why not, and so did a few other people so that took about 15 minutes.  It was being performed by a student newspaper for CU called The Advocate (of which I had not heard).  After that, I sat back down and read some more of my book.  I actually was able to concentrate on it for the first time in weeks, and that felt really refreshing.  Before I knew it, it was time to walk across the sidewalk to the health center to see the doc.

I really like this doctor.  I think I already wrote that she reminds me of my mom, but I think she's really thorough and I feel like she genuinely cares about what is going on with me and wants to help.  She takes great notes and has a great memory and is just plain super nice.  Best psychiatrist I think I've ever had.  I feel like I can be totally candid with her for some reason.  She asked how I was feeling (obviously) and I said that I think the Pristiq is starting to kick in because I am feeling just an iota of relief sometimes.  We talked about some of the positive things that I'm doing to keep my spirits up, and she was really concerned about how I'm going to be able to handle the holidays coming up and I realized that I had really not given it much thought.  I definitely dread the holidays.  Not because I don't like my family or because I have to travel, but I really stress out about gift-giving.  I always want to find the PERFECT gifts for people, and I always end up spending WAY too much money on gifts and then have to struggle to catch up financially for a couple months afterward.  We talked about what I could do to prepare for the holidays ahead of time and avoid the stress of trying to find the perfect gifts for everyone and avoid spending too much money at the same time.  So that's something that I'm going to be working on starting exactly now.  Before November even starts.

I hate that tomorrow is Halloween.  While I love Halloween-time, and all that goes with it, and the beginning of fall (despite that I cannot stand winter), I have always hated Halloween night.  Even as a little kid.  Especially as a little kid.  Halloween scared me, and when we moved to Colorado from Florida I hated that my costume got ruined because I had to wear a coat since it was always cold on Halloween.  I didn't like trick-or-treating because there were always too many kids out and there was always some house that was too scary or had some dad outside waiting to scare kids, and I didn't like being scared as a kid because I was always scared.  I was a very anxious child.  I used to have panic attacks if we left a minute too late for school in the mornings.  I once had a panic attack because my 6th grade class was kept after the bell for each minute we wouldn't stop talking when the teacher asked us to because it was my job to pick up my little sister from kindergarten.  Anyway, a lot of that comes rushing back when Halloween actually hits.  I find it to be an enormous pain in the ass to answer the door and hand out candy, especially having two dogs that bark at the movement of the leaves falling off the trees much less the doorbell ringing off the wall.  The first year I lived here, I just left the porch light off and didn't buy candy.  Last year, we handed out candy but I don't think we got that many trick-or-treaters.  This year I'd like to avoid it altogether, but I'm not sure that's an option.  Especially because we just had our block party and met all the neighbors.  Luckily there aren't a slew of kids in this particular neighborhood, though there are some.

And then the phone call I just got.  Over the summer, when I was still dating The Ex, I had a friend call and ask if we wanted to accompany he and his girlfriend to Book of Mormon when it came to town, and I said SURE!  Not thinking at the time that by the time the show actually rolled around, I wouldn't have a boyfriend.  Well my friend just called me to tell me that the show is actually this Friday, and wanted to see if I still want to go.  Here's what complicates things.  This is my oldest friend in the world.  We actually knew each other in the womb.  Our parents were friends before we were even born; our moms were pregnant at the same time.  His dad was the pastor of our church in Florida, and then we moved here in 1990, and they moved out here several years later so he could be the pastor of our old church (we had split off to be part of a mission church).  Our families stayed in touch, and we used to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners together, until about 10 years ago when we sort of lost touch.  I don't know what brought it on, but I started talking to this guy again around Christmastime of last year, and we hung out for awhile, and it became sort of obvious to both of us that we were attracted to one another and could date each other, but then he revealed that he was actually attached to a girl that lived in Alabama that was planning to move here to Colorado early this year to be with him.  That really stung.  Once he moved out of his parents house and down to south of Denver, and his girlfriend moved out here, we pretty much stopped talking except for his invite to the show during the summer.  That said, I would feel kind of awkward going to this show without a boyfriend, with a potential love interest that had been essentially taken right out from underneath me by someone I don't even know, and having to meet this person AND attempt to enjoy myself all at the same time.

Just one more thing to stress about.

OH!  And I found out today that a girl that I used to play soccer with has just been diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, and that REALLY SUCKS.  Even though that kind of cancer is really treatable, the fact that it's happened to her and now she has to go through all the pain and agony of the treatment itself, is shit.  All I can do is shake my head and wonder how such shitty things can happen to such good people.  Luckily for her she has a really great support system and is staying really positive and optimistic and she will probably be okay.  It still sucks and it's not fair that she has to go through any of it in the first place, though.

This news really makes me feel even worse about all the complaining I do and what feels like suffering to me, when it's just in my head.  It's just a chemical imbalance.  I'm pretty much perfectly healthy - in the sense that I don't have any physical ailments that prevent me from doing anything substantial - and I feel like absolute shit most of the time, when nothing is really wrong with me, and there are people out there who are experiencing very real, very scary diseases and illnesses.   I just can't get out of bed because I can't get my head on straight.

Anyway, I think that's it for tonight.  I don't feel like writing anymore and I would like to lie with my face in a pillow and cry for a few minutes for the sorrow I feel for myself and my friend.  I know I ended my post yesterday on a positive note, but I already went through my positive stuff of the day with my psychiatrist.  I don't have to do it here, too.

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