Tuesday, October 22, 2013

When The Heart Despairs....

I had a really, really rough day today.  I literally hit snooze for three hours.  I set my alarm for 6:15am and didn't actually turn it off all the way until after 9:15am.  I reeeeeeeeeally didn't want to get out of bed today.  I took as long as I could to get ready for work and I didn't even shower.  I just washed my hair in the tub.

I noticed a difference in my feelings today.  I didn't feel anxious.  I didn't feel like my mind was revolving around and around the same problems, or spontaneously moving from one issue to another, or going back and forth to some problem I was trying to come up with a solution to...I was just.  Plain.  Sad.  Really, thoroughly, sad.  From my toes to the tips of my hair.  My heart was heavy and simply being alive felt painful.  That's not a great way to wake up.  Doesn't make for an easy day.

By the time I got to work, I was drained.  I didn't feel like actually doing any work at all.  The only highlight of my day was taking a little break in the middle to go see an old friend from The Registry, who will remain nameless.  I sat in his office and let him talk to me about why I was feeling so sad today, and I cried.  A lot.  I don't think I've even cried that much talking to Meredi over the last couple of years.  And I wasn't even there for a whole hour.  I just couldn't stop crying.

When I went back to work, I felt a very little bit better and was actually able to get all the work done that needed to get done.

I told Meredi during the day that I was feeling absolutely miserable (which I was), and we made plans to take the dogs on a walk around Waneka after work.  So we did that when we both got home from work.  I didn't feel a ton better, but it was nice to talk to her about stuff that isn't ruining my brain and to get out of the house, and out of my bed and stuff.  Being anywhere but my bed is nice these days.

I also had wine tonight.  About 1.5 glasses, which on an empty stomach has made me kind of loopy.  I don't really want to go into all the stuff my old office friend and I talked about because I really don't feel like crying any more, but hopefully it's something I will get into one day in the near future.  I know I shouldn't have had any wine, but all I wanted after the day I had - emotional, and entirely my fault - was a glass of wine.

I generally hate Tuesdays.  Tuesdays are the worst day of the week, but New Girl is on on Tuesdays, and it literally has the power to turn my mood around.  Love that show.

Today, I was able to get the ball rolling on dropping the one class.  I submitted the one form I needed to submit, so now I am just waiting to hear back, I guess.

I thought a lot about going to nursing school today.  I am coming closer to a solid decision on it and I am really liking that choice.  It will have a lot of time which will suck, and I think it will be a really tough two years, but assuming I don't have to go through this crap again (it seems to show up in its most severe form only every couple of years or so), I think it could make me a pretty happy person.  I'll feel like I'm actually making a difference, it will help me avoid the 8-5 Monday through Friday routine, it will give me the kinds of excitement that I think I need in a job, and it will pay me well enough to perhaps live on my own someday.  Anyone in their right mind will tell me right now that I'm in no position to be making serious life decisions, and that's true.  But this is a decision I'm going to be working on for quite some time.

Tomorrow I have appointments on campus to see my new assigned counselor/therapist and the psychiatrist.  I'm not really sure what to expect since I didn't really go out of my way to figure out exactly how much Pristiq would cost me out of pocket.  I just found a 75% off coupon online and looked into their little discount program which isn't really much of a discount after all.  It's just $15 off each prescription.  Which isn't much when there's a decent chance a bottle of 30 pills could be as much as $300.  Which once, is what I paid for a month's worth of Effexor.

Lastly, I LOVE The Mindy Project and Mindy Kaling.  I shouldn't be allowed to drink wine and watch these shows and then write.  All my profundity goes straight out the window.  

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