Friday, October 4, 2013

The Beginning of Something New..... Perhaps?

Alright.  Day 3.  And it's 11:35 as I begin to write this, so the day itself is almost over.

The day started off with a trip to meet my new therapist.  I purposely went without mascara because I knew that talking about how overwhelmed and frustrated I am would make me cry.  And I did.  I was right.  I've gotten better over the last couple of weeks about not breaking down and crying at the very simplest things, or bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, but I'm still really easily affected.  For a good week and a half it was like PMS on steroids.  Horrible.  Last Thursday, I pulled up to work and a woman was walking a border collie whom I assume was paralyzed or severely injured from the mid-spine down because it was in a little cart, and only walking in its front legs.  I lost my shit, then and there.  Cried for a good 5 minutes in the car outside of my office because I thought it was so sad.  That's not super unusual for me, though the last time I remember being that unable to control my sorrow was when I was like 8 and I watched a story on 20/20 about a pair of conjoined twins that were separated surgically and one of them died.  I was inconsolable - ask my mom.

Anyway, the new therapist remarked to me that I was angry about where I am emotionally.  I do really hate feeling this way, and I hate the idea of having to do more work to cope with this and the near-certain subsequent episodes I will have.  I know what to do, and I know how to deal with it, I just need help and support.  I don't need to learn new skills.  It also doesn't help that I hate - HATE - being in grad school. Grad school is kind of like having a wedgie you eventually just get used to, until you remove it from your ass-crack and remember how great it is not to wear thongs.   It is reliving daily, over and over, intense discomfort that always returns when you suddenly become conscious of it.

This leads me to the realization that I don't want to go to graduate school.  I don't care about having a Masters degree.  I worked eight and a half YEARS towards getting my bachelor's degree and for me, right now, that's enough of a credential.  I've also now obtained an EMT certificate (in my lifetime - it's expired now), my motorcycle endorsement, and a scuba license.  Those are a lot of credentials, too!  And gained through experience, not reading the fucking research on the subjects.  I went out and did that stuff.  And it was awesome and it's experience that I can continue to utilize in my life, actively.  What is a Masters degree in Criminal Justice going to get me?  $10-15K a year in salary?  Is it worth it?  Really?

The issue with quitting school is that I get my insurance coverage through school.  I'm not about to attempt to get through the labyrinth that is Messiah-care.  If I have to stay in school and complete one class per semester in order to receive coverage, that's what I'll do.  I'd rather do that than attempt to navigate the "affordable health care" that's gone into effect in our country.  And given the paragraph about the perpetual wedgie, that's saying something.

Though none of this touches on the chasm between the ups and downs I feel throughout the days without antidepressants, I really need to get to bed because my body now requires ludicrous amounts of sleep in order to function at a fraction of the normal rate.  I am hoping this will change once the neurotransmitters in my brain swing back in the direction of typical, but I'm not expecting that to happen anytime soon.

And ugh.  My birthday is this weekend and I so wish it weren't.  I've often been in the position of trying to convince someone that they need to celebrate their birthday with merriment and joy, but being the one that needs convincing sucks even more.  It's not that I'm not thrilled to be one year closer to 30 (and thus, death), and it's not that I don't like my birthday, it's that I just don't want to celebrate it when I feel like this.  I don't feel as though I have anything to celebrate, or be proud of, or even happy about.  I just want it to be another normal, regular day.  No cake, no presents, nothing special.  I want to be able to celebrate it when I'm ready and willing to do it.  Now, it just feels forced.  There are plenty of other days I will have when I feel like celebrating my birth and existence on this planet, but this weekend is like, in negative territory regarding that.  I'd rather just pretend I don't exist right now, because that is simply easier.  It's going to be much harder to have other people wanting me to be happy when I can't genuinely muster those feelings.

That said, it's now Friday and I need to get to sleep if I have any hope of waking up in enough time to get to work before noon tomorrow.  At least I'm starting to open up a bit more.  This is still kind of weird for me.

1 comment:

  1. "Grad school is kind of like having a wedgie you eventually just get used to, until you remove it from your ass-crack and remember how great it is to not wear thongs."

    ^ Yep. Perfectly said. I'm not in grad school, but I'm taking the most horrible, useless, pain-in-the-ass, no-redeeming-value class right now. I have to take it in order to renew my teaching credential. It has nothing to do with learning stuff that will enhance my teaching skills and everything to do with administrative bullshit. It makes me ANGRY. And anxious. But mostly angry and hateful.

    So I think I get how you feel about grad school.

    I also get how you feel about your birthday. I felt so lousy when my last birthday rolled around that I didn't plan anything because I felt like I had nothing to celebrate. I ignored my birthday, and I wished that my friends and family would, too.

    I'm glad that you're writing again. You're really good at it. I really, really hope it's helpful to you. I'm so, so sorry you're feeling so bad.