Thursday, October 17, 2013

Some Days are Heavier Than Others

I don't really have anything to write about today.  Today didn't totally and completely suck.  I didn't spend every waking second of it wishing it were over.  I spent ALMOST every waking second of it wishing that, but not every single one.  I did get some joy out of today: My boss came in again with her new baby and he fell asleep in my arms.  Then when I got home from work, Phoenix was super bouncy and I played with him and got him so wound up that he was scoot-running and bounding around the backyard for at least a few minutes.  I love this dog so unbelievably much.

A thought I'm entertaining, just for a change of venue for my brain: nursing school.  I'd have to somehow pass anatomy and physiology, and take a few other prerequisite classes, then possibly be on a waiting list and then be in school for two more years, but at least it's a viable plan, since Federal Law Enforcement is not exactly a for sure thing, even if I do end up getting my Master's in it.  And the longer I'm in school, the later I have to start paying back my student loans.

I really need to get my ass in gear looking for an internship for school.  I think if I at least was moving in SOME direction instead of just treading water where I am, I might feel better about my future.  I really need to make a list of things that I have to begin to get on top of now that I have some of my normal functioning starting to return.

I am looking forward to this weekend, though.  I have no plans at all, whatsoever, and I can finish my laundry and maybe even finish the book I'm supposed to read for school.

Something I really wish I could stop thinking about is the possibility that my very first ex-boyfriend (who I don't know if I mentioned during my year of writing or not, though I probably did because he punctuates my dreams every now and then), who is now married to the girl with whom he cheated on me, is probably getting ready to have a kid.  That's entirely an assumption on my part, because I don't talk to any of the friends we have that were mutual, and I am not about to go out of my way to Facebook stalk him because that would just set me back, but I figure I'm going to hear about it eventually, one way or another, and I guess I am trying to start preparing myself for that news.  I think THAT news, over hearing of any other person I've ever known getting married or having babies, would hurt me the most.

I just want, so badly, to accomplish that one thing, someday, and I am nowhere near it.  I'm not saying that if I were given a relationship, giftwrapped and everything right now, I would take it.  I'm saying that if I could just get a sneak peek into the future to see if I will eventually get married and have a kid of my own, I would have some peace of mind.  Just knowing it will happen for me would help.  But I don't know, and the idea of it not happening just destroys me.  My twenties are all but behind me and I don't want to waste my thirties doing the same nothing that I've been doing the last ten years.

How do I change my life so that I feel like I'm accomplishing something?!  How do I stop being so afraid of the future?

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