Thursday, October 31, 2013

Once Upon a Time, Thursdays Were My Favorite Day Of The Week

Right now, this very minute, I feel awful.  Like something is really wrong.  Like I'm missing something, or forgetting something, or not doing something I should be doing.  It's a feeling in the pit of my stomach, like a heavy rock.  I'll try and go through the things that it could be....

It's Halloween.  I've never liked Halloween.  It's cold out there tonight, and it's windy.  We're not giving out candy, which I feel super guilty about.

I worked until 6pm to try and get some stuff out of the way today so that I don't have to worry about it tomorrow.  I had considered going over to my parents house to hang out with the kiddos and watch them get ready and stuff.  I went ahead and agreed to go along with my friend tomorrow to see the Book of Mormon, and the plan is to go to a fancy dinner beforehand, so I have to dress up.  I wanted to figure out what to wear ahead of time, so instead of going to my parents house, I came home and had Meredi help me pick out what to wear.  But in doing that, I missed Halloween with the kids.  I think that I feel the most guilty about that.  I'm not their parent, I don't need to be there for it, and I hadn't promised them I'd be there or anything, so I don't know why I feel so guilty.  I feel like I purposely miss spending time with the kids because I so dislike having to spend time with my sister.  I feel really guilty about that because the kids really love me a lot and love to have me around.  I guess I feel like no amount of time with them is enough, and when given the choice to spend time with them, or spend time doing something for myself, I more often choose to do my own thing, and I feel like that's really terrible.  But they're not my kids.  They're not my responsibility and I have no obligation to be around for them.  I don't want to feel like I have such responsibility or obligation, but I do, for whatever reason.  I suspect that it's that I don't trust my sister to be their mom.

I have payroll to process tomorrow which could take a really long time, and in order to get ready and everything I need to leave work by 2:30pm so I probably have to get there at like 7:30 or 8am in order to get my hours in and have enough time to do everything that I need to do.  I tried to get as much done today that I could do today (I can't begin payroll until the stores submit their files to me on the 1st of the month), but I don't really feel like I did enough.  I wanted to leave enough work for myself to have something to do in case the stores don't submit their files until like noon - which is their deadline, though they almost always submit earlier than that - but I feel like I should have done more, I guess.

I'm super anxious about going to dinner and the show tomorrow.  I won't know anyone and in my current state, trying to make conversation with people I don't know well is downright painful.  I'd much rather just spend time by myself than attempt to be social with new people.  That's not to say that that's the case all the time.  If I were feeling fine, I'd be really looking forward to seeing my friend, meeting his girlfriend and meeting some new people.  At my age, any chance to get to make new friends is welcomed.  In your late 20's, it's not as easy to make friends as it is in high school, when you see all the same people every day of the week.  I generally enjoy going out and being social and meeting new people, as long as things are within my realm of comfort (no dancing, no karaoke, nothing really out of the ordinary), and I feel like I at least owe my friend the effort of going to an event that he's sort of put together since he came to our Christmas party on Christmas Eve last year.  I wish I knew why I feel so anxious about a social event.  I haven't felt anxious like this about a social event in years.  I'm a really likeable person.  I know how to ask good questions and make conversation with people I don't know.  I don't mind being the center of attention.  I don't mind talking and telling stories and getting to know people.  I know it's going to be okay, and that I'm going to have a great time, and I get to have really good food that I've been wanting to try (we're going to Oceanaire, so it's good quality seafood, which is surprisingly, a different thing than sushi), and Book of Mormon is supposed to be really good and funny...and I get to sleep in on Saturday and I only have one mountain of homework to slog through this weekend instead of two....

So I don't know why I feel like this.  I was really hoping that writing it all out would make me feel better, but no such luck.  I'm really trying to avoid taking any more Ativan because my mom has me really freaked out about getting addicted to it, plus I think that because I took some before bed last night, that's why I had such a hard time getting up today.  I didn't make it into work until 11 because I was just soooooo sleepy and had a really hard time waking up when my alarm went off.  I NEED to get in there early tomorrow so I can't afford another morning of hitting the snooze button a bajillion times and I worry that taking the Ativan will cause that.  Though I don't really know, and I'm getting to the point of feeling sick of feeling anxious like this, so I may just take a couple anyway.

Also, I haven't eaten anything today.  I am not hungry and I don't really want to go to the effort of trying to eat something and then not liking it or not wanting to eat it.  And of course, there's a little voice in the back of my mind telling me that if I don't eat, maybe I'll lose weight.  Which is a really wrong thing to think.

And I need to take a shower and shave my legs but I really don't feel like doing that right now.  But I'm going to feel even less like doing it tomorrow morning.

Damn this feeling.  Damn it.

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