Thursday, October 24, 2013

Just Blah

I haven't got much to write about today.  I got up.  I went to work.  I worked.  I went home.  End of story.

Started Pristiq last night.  Realized that I might not be using the Ativan as much as I could be and so I'm trying to use enough of it to find a baseline feeling of normalcy.  No sadness, no anxiety.  I think I'm finally getting there.  Maybe.  We'll see how I feel when I wake up in the morning.

What I'd really like to spend most of my time doing is watching scary movie after scary movie.  In my bed.  Where I don't really have to talk to anyone but Phoenix.

I thought some more about suicide today, but not as a viable option or anything.  I just thought that I still believe that someday, this depression might actually kill me because I won't be able to take another day of feeling a certain way - the ways I've been feeling most days.  I don't think it will happen anytime soon.  I'm talking way into my 60's or 70's, and especially if I'm still alone and never have a family of my own - which, with every passing day becomes more and more of a probability.

I hate this so much.  I feel exactly the same as I felt my freshman year of college.  Totally lost.  Totally alone.

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