Advantageous and Truthful

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), previously referred to as multiple personality disorder (MPD), is a dissociative disorder involving a disturbance of identity in which two or more separate and distinct personality states (or identities) control the individual's behavior at different times. When under the control of one identity, the person is usually unable to remember some of the events that occurred while other personalities were in control. The different identities, referred to as alters, may exhibit differences in speech, mannerisms, attitudes, thoughts, and gender orientation. The alters may even differ in "physical" properties such as allergies, right-or-left handedness, or the need for eyeglass prescriptions. These differences between alters are often quite striking.

The person with DID may have as few as two alters, or as many as 100. The average number is about 10. Often alters are stable over time, continuing to play specific roles in the person's life for years. Some alters may harbor aggressive tendencies, directed toward individuals in the person's environment, or toward other alters within the person.

At the time that a person with DID first seeks professional help, he or she is usually not aware of the condition. A very common complaint in people with DID is episodes of amnesia, or time loss. These individuals may be unable to remember events in all or part of a proceeding time period. They may repeatedly encounter unfamiliar people who claim to know them, find themselves somewhere without knowing how they got there, or find items that they don't remember purchasing among their possessions.*

I haven't really got much to write about today.  Today was lovely and relaxing.  Never changed out of my sweats or put my contacts in.  Slept and read all day, had a delicious steak dinner with the 'rents and here we are.

Last night, I tried to take advantage of knowing that "Kale" was going to be drinking and I know of his likeliness to be more truthful when he drinks, so I asked him why he wasn't attracted to me.  His answer was that it's not that he's not, it's just that the didn't feel the "out of control breathlessness" that he wants to feel with someone.  I did not find that to be helpful, and told him so, and also told him I thought he was an idiot.  Apparently this hurt his feelings and he told me that maybe I was right, that maybe we shouldn't be friends.  I truly do not know whether or not it is healthy for me to try to be friends with him, but I do know that I would like to be the one who actually makes the decision, so I apologized for calling him an idiot and told him I needed some time and space from him for awhile to think.  And I really do.

I've been trying to get Jonas to set me up with someone for awhile now, because I know that if I were to be dating someone, it would take my mind off of Kale.  I also know that I probably should not attempt to date anyone again for a long, long time, until I can be confident enough in myself to be able to handle being dumped without losing my shit altogether.  So whomever it is that Jonas eventually sets me up with will more than likely be someone I use for my own personal benefits and little else.  However, I have to be a little selfish as I am attempting to heal my heart and soul right now and not feel badly for wanting to be selfish, I think. 

Things would just be so much easier if Prince Charming came into my life, fell madly in love with me and swept me off my feet, happily ever after.  I don't see that happening, but I'm still hopeful!  I'd really like to be able to find some satisfaction within myself so that I'm not looking for personal value to come from others validating me, no matter who they are.  This is going to be a very long journey, which is terrifying and already exhausting just to think about.  I often wonder if it would be better for me to just up and leave, to go somewhere and start over, but that is also exhausting and terrifying to think about, not to mention a bit unrealistic because doing that would come with it's own challenges.  Although I like the idea of new challenges instead of the same old ones that seem to go away and resurface every few months.  I like the idea of change in general, because change is new and exciting even if it is scary because it forces new actions and reactions and adaptation to situations one may not normally be forced to adapt to.  However, at the same time, change is just a way to run away from the same problems each of us face in our everyday lives.  Bills still must be paid, chores must still be done, work must still be attended to, regardless of time or location.  

Anyway, I'm in a very tranquil mood and I'm going to take advantage of it by lying on my bed and watching goofy Halloween movies that are on just about every cable channel.  That is what will make me happy, tonight.

*"NAMI | Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder)." NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy. 2000. Web. 30 Oct. 2010. <http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Helpline1/ Dissociative_Identity_Disorder_(formerly_Multiple_Personality_Disorder).htm>.