More than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable mental disorder, most commonly a depressive disorder or a substance abuse disorder.*
I'm doing really well today. It helped that I woke up to two text messages and like a gazillion facebook messages wishing me a happy birthday. I seem to really enjoy life when I'm not worrying about being totally invisible to the world.
I got a card from Holly (my boss), a card and ten bucks from my grandma, seasons 7 & 8 of Scrubs and season 3 of Dexter from my mom and Kara called!! We went out to dinner to Three Margaritas which was so unbelievably amazing and it hit all the right spots. I came home and put on my sweatpants and set out to reply to all the birthday wishes I got during the day on facebook and to write on here.
I took a nap today, from like 3-4:45. I had set my alarm on my phone and realized that I hadn't heard my sister moving around to go to her Wednesday visitation with her kiddos. I opened her door and she was asleep. She ended up missing half the visit with the kids. I love my sister very, very dearly. She's the person who knows me best as I am without any pretense and she knows exactly what buttons to push to piss me off, and we can pretty much say anything to one another. She's on some heavy-duty meds and one of her meds, Seroquel, makes her very sleepy, and this morning (as well as last Saturday morning) I woke up to her alarm going off literally right next to her head and her dead asleep next to it. My mom is thinking that the Seroquel dosage she's on might be too much, and causes her to hit a level of unconscious that rivals a coma and subsequently makes life a little more difficult for the rest of us who wake up to the blaring annoying noise of her alarm clock going off even when she doesn't.
I made myself a chocolate cake today, and the plan was to eat it with cherry pie filling and whipped cream, but I'm so full from dinner I don't think I could choke it down tonight. But it will make a nutritious and delicious breakfast for me tomorrow.
So, all in all, I'd give today about 3.5 out of 4 stars. A year ago today, I was hanging out with my adorable nephews, who blew my candles out for me, both my parents and both my sisters, and it makes me a little sad that I couldn't see my niece and nephews today because I really miss them so very much. For my 22nd birthday, I was in Vail at a soccer tournament with the team I was assistant coaching with Jen. The girls were 10 then, and threw me a cute little birthday party in the pool area of one of the condos they were staying in, and they all sang happy birthday to me as loud as they could. It ranks up there as one of my very best birthdays ever. In fact, I've never had a bad birthday. When I turned 15, I had my entire soccer team over for a slumber party. At 16, I had Gorman and Brie spend the night after my mom took me to get my very first tattoo. The weather that day was a lot like it was today. The day after I turned 21, I went out with a whole bunch of my coworkers to the bars in Boulder (I was working on Pearl Street), and made it through the entire night without throwing up!! This Friday, I'm planning to meet up with a whole bunch of friends in Boulder to get drinks and sushi and have a good, relaxing night, but I'm even more excited because both of my sisters will probably be going too!!!
I do really well when I am feeling loved and cared for, which I suppose is just about as much as anyone can ask for in this world, right? I had a brief discussion about it in the car on the way home from dinner with my mom, and she said she's not sure if feeling invisible causes her to feel depressed, or if being depressed makes her feel like she's invisible, and I think she's got it exactly right. When I don't have anyone to talk to is when I'm feeling my worst. And I'm not counting my family, because if I really wanted to talk to anyone, I could talk to them. These last couple weeks have been tough because I went from having several people I talked to every day to no one. When I don't have anyone to talk to, I internalize everything and spend all my time thinking about what is or might be wrong with me that no one wants to talk to me. Thank goodness I did not have that problem today. It's nice to have a great birthday right after a few weeks of feeling very crappy.
I want to finish this up before Modern Family comes on, so I'll end it here. I'm off work tomorrow and looking forward to it, so maybe tomorrow's post will be lengthy. We'll see.
*National Institute of Mental Health: The Numbers Count: Mental Health Disorders in America. <http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml>.Conwell Y, Brent D. Suicide and aging I: patterns of psychiatric diagnosis. International Psychogeriatrics, 1995; 7(2): 149-64.