Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Excruciatingly Painful Truth

Major Depressive Disorder is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15-44.*

I think my heart is broken.  Granted, it's probably made out of, like, tissue paper at this point, and gets broken when I walk by something with a sharp edge, but what I'm saying is that it's pretty much broken.  Let me preface this entire entry by saying that I find myself incredibly lucky because I have really great friends.  They're supportive and understanding.  So this has nothing to do with them. 

There's a guy that I like.  A lot.  Let's call him Rick.  I dated him for a few weeks during the summer and I found that he has most of the qualities that I look for in a potential mate, and he also had a few qualities that I didn't know I wanted but discovered I really like.  He dumped me sort of abruptly, and didn't explain why, although I pretty much told him I didn't want to know why (which is because I know myself well enough to know that if I find out why, I'll probably try to change whatever it is he didn't like about me).  He said he'd like to be friends with me, and I agreed, but I was really hurt and embarrassed, so I waited like a week before I talked to him again.  We've been friendly ever since then, talking every once in awhile, and I invited him out to join us for my birthday celebration and he came.  I was really upset when he ended it, even though we hadn't been dating for that long, because I really liked him a lot!  We talked a lot about the future (not a future together), but we both sort of have the same ideas for what we'd like to do.  He's smart and ambitious and super funny, and I'm very physically attracted to him.  It's been a loooooong time since I'd met anyone I really genuinely liked.  I'm stupid picky about guys I date (I hold them to the ridiculously high standards I hold myself to), and this guy pretty much met all my standards.  

Anyway, I had this ludicrous idea that maybe if he saw me having fun and being all funny and charming, he'd consider changing his mind about me.  Mostly I think I did a pretty good job, until my sister showed up.  I'm pretty sure it's all been ruined now, and that he probably wants nothing to do with me, ever again.  The only way I can describe how I feel is that I feel like I've been dumped again.

I saw my therapist for the first time in months, last week.  I felt like I couldn't go any longer without seeing her, and I'm trying to figure out how to be able to afford to see a psychiatrist to get my meds adjusted since they don't really seem to be working anymore.  I told her about getting dumped, about the situation with my sister's marriage, and about how I felt as though I had lost my best friend (we'll call her Former Bestie for the sake of her privacy), and she said it was understandable that I felt completely despairing about my life.  She said that those are three really big knocks to take in a short amount of time.  I really do feel just about as though I've lost everything.  My relationship with Former Bestie is probably the biggest hit, because I've come to depend on her so, but I'm having to learn to live without her, and it was fairly sudden.  She didn't die or anything, it's just that she's got a serious boyfriend now and so her relationship with me has been set aside.  We went from being in almost constant contact - via text, phone call, skype, or facebook chat - to her sending me perhaps one text a day.  I think losing her is mostly why my heart is broken, throw in getting dumped and having no second chance with the guy, plus my parents being hopelessly broke because of my stupid sister and I can't imagine feeling any better for like a year.

I was physically ill last night.  I slept most of the day yesterday, sleeping off the hangover and attempting to not think about the catastrophe the night before was, but I tried to go to bed last night only to find myself sick to my stomach, with a headache and a cough.  I threw up twice.  I think I was so worked up about the previous night, and the stress of it, that it manifested in my being physically sick.  I've never felt so completely helpless and lost in my life as I think I feel right now.  What's ironic is that I'm not altogether hopeless.  I know that this, too, shall pass, and it will get better over time.  I'm doing the best I can to keep myself together but I feel like I'm beginning to lose control of that, too. 

When I got home, I threw up when I tried to take my meds and passed straight out.  The next morning I made phone calls to everyone to apologize and thank them all for coming out to celebrate, and everyone was kind and understanding, saying that everyone has that wacky relative they are embarrassed of.  So, the humiliation is starting to wear off, but I'm still pretty unhappy.  I won't be speaking to my sister for quite some time.  

I want more than anything to talk to Rick and tell him everything that is in my head.  I know many of you will advise against this, and that's why I haven't done that yet.  Especially Jen, I know exactly what you'll say - that I will just scare him and that I need to keep it to myself.  So that's what I'm doing for now.  

I have so much in my head, and I am hoping that writing this blog will help me to write through some of it and get it organized.  I need to talk about Aaron and how what I learned from my relationship with him will effect every other relationship I ever have with anyone, but I'm really tired and that cough from last night has stuck around, so I'm going to get to bed. 

*NIMH · What Are the Basic Signs and Symptoms of Depression?" NIMH · Home. Web. 07 Oct. 2010. <  The World Health Organization. The global burden of disease: 2004 update, Table A2: Burden of disease in DALYs by cause, sex and income group in WHO regions, estimates for 2004. Geneva, Switzerland: WHO, 2008.

No comments:

Post a Comment