Sunday, October 24, 2010

Delving Into the Past a Bit

Dysthymic disorder, also called dysthymia, is characterized by long–term (two years or longer) but less severe symptoms that may not disable a person but can prevent one from functioning normally or feeling well. People with dysthymia may also experience one or more episodes of major depression during their lifetimes.*

I am so freaking exhausted.  I probably couldn't even tell you the last time I played in a soccer game with a hangover.  My whole body aches, and I'm still getting over the cold - I never thought the body capable of producing so much phlegm.  Which is one of my very favorite words.

Last night was fun.  Jen invited me to the last regular season Rapids game, and I dyed my hair blue in support, while Jen and Rachel dressed entirely in Rapids gear and Rachel had written I <3 Rapids on her face.  It was a good game, but the Rapids lost what had appeared to be a clinched win in stoppage time with a bullshit call by the ref.  He pulled a yellow card in the Rapids box on a Rapids player and Real Salt Lake tied the game.  I never saw the reason for the yellow card. 

Jen and Rachel and I went to downtown Denver to hit the bars and meet up with a friend of Jen's after.  I had a couple of Long Islands, a Jack & Coke and a shot of Jack, on top of the beer from the game.  It's been awhile since I had that much to drink, and a long time since I've been careless about mixing drinks.  Jen's friend had brought a friend of his from the Navy, and he ended up being pretty cool, too.  The boys were both nice.  However, I cannot help but feel, when I am out with Jen and Rachel, that I am a toad out with a couple of peacocks.  I think that's a great analogy for how I feel - frumpy and disorganized.  I get hot and sweaty when I am in social situations with people I don't know, and I always feel like my hair is less-than-perfect.  I'm also hyper-aware of my weight, because I've never been this heavy in my life.  However, I'm not as shy and quiet as I was when I was younger, and I don't usually have too much trouble making conversation with strangers.  Anyway, I felt so self-conscious last night, but I have no idea why.  My best guess is because of how uncomfortable I am about my weight right now.  This is an enormous issue for me.

Towards the end of the night, Jen left with her friend to go to a pizza place, while Rachel and I and Navy guy stayed at the bar we were at for awhile longer.  We eventually left to go meet up with Jen, and it was at this point that Rachel sort of paired off with Navy guy and I became solo.  I was behind them walking, but they stopped, and Rachel waved me ahead, so I went ahead.  I went into the pizza place to look for Jen, but I couldn't find her in there, so I waited outside, not really knowing what to do, when I noticed Rachel and Navy guy walk right past me, absorbed in one another.  It's when I am in situations like this that I feel as though I am completely invisible and unimportant.  I called my older sister, whom I knew was out and about herself, and told her I thought I may have been abandoned, although I wasn't really thinking because I had Jen's keys and phone, so she had to find me to leave.  While I was standing there on the phone, Jen and her friend came across the street, and we decided to head home.  In the car, I cried a little bit. 

I can't tell you how many times growing up, that a friend of mine paired off with a boy and I was left by myself.  I've always pretended that it doesn't bother me when it happens, but it always leaves me wondering what is wrong with me that I was not the one to do the pairing off.  I remember once, when I was in 4th grade, I went to my best friend at the time's birthday party, and we went to the pool at the rec center, and boys were invited, which was sort of new for us at that age.  My best friend ended up playing with the boy I'd had a crush on since kindergarten the whole day, and even made plans to go back to the rec center the next day with him and I again.  Because I was the best friend, I was allowed to spend the night that night, but I worked myself up in the middle of the night because I was afraid I'd be left out the next day.  I woke her mom up with my crying and I explained to her my fears and she talked to her daughter and told her to be sure to include me the next day, which she did.  The feeling I had last night was very familiar because it was so similar to how I felt every time I ended up being the third wheel when I was growing up.  I had no expectations whatsoever last night about meeting any guys or anything like that because of how I know I'm not ready to be romantically involved with anyone.  I guess that when I go out, I just hope that I'll have fun with my friends, I really rarely go with the expectation of meeting a potential boyfriend, but when the people I'm with end up doing that, it takes me by surprise.

When I got home, I walked in the house, and I stopped in my tracks, because sitting on the coffee table was my purple purse.  I briefly looked through it, and woke my dad up asking where in the hell it came from.  He explained that a lady called while I was out, saying that her kids had been playing out by Centaurus high school and found my purse in a drainage ditch.  She went through it and found my parents phone number in the phone book and called.  My older sister went with my dad to go get it from her and agreed not to call and tell me because they wanted me to be surprised.  And surprised I was!!  My sister wanted to set up a camera so that she could capture my reaction when I saw it.  My little sister came home shortly thereafter (drunk, which I find pretty funny), and I pointed out to her that my purse was sitting there and she gave me all the details I didn't get out of my sleeping father.  I took out my wallet and went through it, and the only things missing were my cash and my change.

When I got up this morning (having gone to bed around 3, I woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 9am which is stupid), I went through the rest of my purse, and the only things gone were my camera and my Swiss Army knife. I'm not too terribly upset.  Most of my pictures are on my computer, but I really loved that knife.  I emailed the information to the officer who wrote my police report, and I'll be calling the insurance company to finish giving them info for my claim tomorrow.  

I'm mentally exhausted.  After fighting with my sister this week and getting my purse stolen, I just want to be able to take a little vacation.  A mental break.  At the same time, I have to feel proud of myself for handling it all with such patience and strength.  I could have fallen apart many different times, but I've held it together and I will continue to hold it together.

Then there's the whole "Dane" issue.  We talk every day, which I love, and I so totally enjoy hanging out with him, and I'm again really proud of myself for actually going and doing stuff with him when he asks.  I'm working really hard at going out when I'm invited, and I mostly end up having a good time.  Anyway, with regards to Dane, I'm trying not to allow him to take up too much of my thought-space.  Being who I am, I tend to focus a lot of time and energy thinking about guys that I have feelings for, unnecessarily.  I want to just be friends with him and enjoy the time we spend together.  It bugs me a bit to know that he's still very interested in looking for girls to go out with, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm trying to let that go.  Keyword there is "trying."

I'm also trying to work out the issues I'm having with Former Bestie.  Part of me wants to try to work things out with her since I'm so sad, but the other part of me feels like it will probably just be a waste of time because what's happened now has happened before and will happen again.  Her behavior is really not helping my abandonment issues, and I need to get those worked out, and if I attempt to remain friends with her, I know that she will probably do something to make me feel it all over again.  It's sort of the definition of insanity, isn't it?  Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different outcome?  She's not going to change, and so I should walk away instead of trying to fix things.  The whole thing just makes me so sad, and my feelings are so hurt.  It just solidifies the fear that I will never have a person in my life to whom I am not already related that will abandon me at some point, for another person.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, and an hour with her will not be nearly enough to work anything of any consequence out, but hopefully we will be able to start somewhere.  But guess what?!?!  I put away my laundry today!!  I definitely didn't have the energy to do it, but I finally felt like I could not stand another day of it sitting there, so it has been successfully put away!  Mini-wave in honor of Beth!

It was brought to my attention that not everyone understands the purpose of this blog, nor the facts and statistics I always put at the beginning.  For the record, I do not suffer from all of the mental illnesses I've supplied information about.  My diagnoses are Major Clinical Depression, recurrent, and Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as a previous diagnosis of Social Anxiety.  The reason I put information about different mental illnesses at the beginning is to educate my readers about the wide variety of mental illnesses, as well as their symptoms and treatments.  The entire purpose of my blog is to attempt to increase awareness about the prevalence of mental illness.  There are many, many people in the world who suffer from some form of mental illness, and experience symptoms of an illness, but have no idea that there's an actual disease that they may be suffering from and that there are ways to treat it.  Also, it's important to me that others know that suffering from a mental illness is not something that should be judged negatively, and it's not something to be ashamed of; having a mental illness does not mean that anyone is less of a person or should be treated entirely differently.  I accept that my life is irreversibly changed because I suffer from Depression, and I want others to know that just because I have it doesn't mean that I'm less of a person or that I should be treated differently.  In fact, it's nice to know that people support me and are there for me if I need some extra support simply because I know what my illness does to me and so do they.

*"NIMH · What Are the Different Forms of Depression?" NIMH · Home. Web. 23 Oct. 2010. <>.

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