Thursday, October 14, 2010

Physical Illness + Mental Illness = Unbearable

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood, serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self image and behavior.  It is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. This instability often disrupts family and work, long-term planning and the individual’s sense of self-identity. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is just as common, affecting between 1 - 2 percent of the general population.*

I feel totally miserable today.  Between this stupid cough and cramps that would slay a walrus, I can hardly stand up straight.  Mentally, also miserable.

I had a minor meltdown last night, and almost wrote a whole second post.  I had a feeling that would happen sometime during this year.  I just didn't feel like getting out of bed to do the whole thing.

I've felt on the verge of tears all day today.  It might be a combination of menstrual hormones, plus I just changed types of birth control so my hormones are all messed up because of that, and I'm coming off the lithium and lowering my Effexor.  Probably not a good idea to be changing all the medications all at once, but I guess I'd rather feel completely horrible for a few days than have to feel mostly horrible for a few days several different times.

What made me so upset last night was feeling so completely alone.  I was watching Baby Mama on TV, and it just reminded me of the ample fear I have of not being able to have kids, ever, because of the endometriosis I have.  I'm absolutely terrified that in trying to find relief from the pain it causes me, I've scarred up my ovaries and fallopian tubes and uterus to the point that I won't be able to conceive when I actually reach the point when I want to.  Of course, that's all given that I can ever find a man who will be able to look past my crazy and love me enough just as I am.  And then I have to consider the fact that I will probably pass on all the crappy genes I have to the kid anyway and they'll end up just as fucked as me.  See, this is the thought process that puts me in the throes of a weep-fest on my own behalf.  Then it all circles back to the fact that I am trying to come to terms with the very good possibility that I will actually end up alone, just as I am now, just older and a little more pathetic.  Very Liz Lemon, but not as funny.  I can't even keep a best friend around!  I had someone explain it to me very well, that people like me, we do the best we can with the friends we've got, we sort of hang on to one good one for awhile and then use them up by talking and being so hard on ourselves that we bring them down and they stop talking to us, and then we move on to the next one.  Eventually we have used all of them up and we're able to start back over with the first one whom we haven't spoken to in awhile and do it all over again.  With Borderline Personality Disorder, it's even harder because the urge to cling to one person is almost overpowering and the risk to lose the sense of oneself is far to easy.

Now I'm crying again.  GOD.  I hate hate hate hate hate feeling like this, and I feel like I have NO ONE to talk to, not even my mom.  I guess this blog is good for times like this, but I think I'm going to have to wrap it up and curl up into the fetal position and unsuccessfully attempt to turn off my brain while.  I wish I were better at describing the sense of despair I feel.

*"NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | Mental Illnesses." NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy. Web. 14 Oct. 2010. <>.

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