Saturday, December 18, 2010

And Then Today

Today I had a vague but lasting feeling of triumph.  As someone who has taken time to research and understand mental illness, as well as the beautiful catastrophe of relationships, I seem to be someone that my friends come to when they are having trouble with something.  I love this.  For the first time - maybe in my whole life - I feel like I'm together enough to be able to advise other people in the ordinary goings-on of their lives.  It feels really wonderful to be almost needed and to be able to give others a different perspective on things that might change how they react to problems.  I know I've been able to change myself.

There are some people in my life who are really struggling with decisions and relationships and conflicts and stress right now, but I'm doing well enough that I can be aware of the problems and maybe even be shallowly involved, but without allowing their problems to consume me.  My family is a good example of that.  My parents are struggling financially, quite a lot.  Their financial troubles effect both my parents' moods, on a daily basis.  The energy in this house is often quite disturbing because there seems to be no end in sight to this financial trouble they're having.  Recently, even, I've gotten quite involved in the feelings of hopelessness, but I've managed to keep myself out of it for the last few days.  And it feels really good to be able to walk away without feelings of guilt.  My little sister is even being affected by the energy of the whole family all the way in Greeley.  The nasty energy is contagious but I'm doing my very best to focus on the advantages I have right now - a steady job that I like, and enough money to pay my bills - to prevent myself from succumbing to the deep depression that I can feel biting at my heels.

I've even been able to come to terms with my loneliness, at least this time around.  I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects of having alone time, and I'm doing well.

Also - and I know that this effects my mood - I think I may have met a boy.  Well, a man, I guess.  I find myself being pursued, which is something that I always find novel, and I like it.  I've really had to change my personality traits with regards to how I interact with possible romantic interests, and I've worked hard enough at it to be able to use my new traits easily and without too much effort.  I'm also trying not to read too much into it, and just continuing to live my life as though nothing has changed between yesterday and today.  Really, nothing has, with the exception that I've discovered another person in the world with whom I don't mind being friends.

Another thing I want to touch on, but I don't want to go into too much detail, but I find that without Former Bestie influencing so many of my thoughts and feelings and decisions, I've become more positive.  I'm more able to see the qualities in myself that I like, instead of focusing so often on whatever I felt were my shortcomings.  When I looked at Former Bestie as Current Bestie, I felt like I needed to compare myself to her, and there were so many traits that she had that I admired, I tried to emulate the traits and failed, instead of just trying to be me.  Without her judgment and her own brand of negativity, I feel like I'm free to be me without fear of the judgment I received from her that so stifled my ability to be the me I knew was in there.

So despite the ridiculous amount of pressure that I feel is bearing down on me by the energy I'm immersed in, I feel like today was successful.  I think last night had a bit to do with it, but I'm not complaining by any means.  One night is sometimes all it takes!

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