Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Making a Choice

Yikes.  Today was an up-and-down day.  I had an even stronger feeling of not-so-interestedness from New Guy, which I'm fairly certain is again my brain concocting things and misreading signals that are not actually there.  I'm such a crazypants that I'm taking his lag in replying to text messages as a sign that he's not really that interested.  I heard from a mutual friend that he's kind of crazy in the bedroom, but he hasn't even kissed me yet, so of course my first thought is that he's probably not attracted to me and thus does not think of me in a "bedroom" sense.

Sometimes I hate being a girl, but I definitely hate being a crazy girl even more.  I know that it's fairly natural to fantasize, especially for women, and I've done my fair share of it.  New Guy told me that he spent 9 months down in New Orleans helping rebuild houses after Hurricane Katrina.  I think that is way cool.  In my fantasy, we've been together for like a year or something and an opportunity comes up for him to go do something like that again, and he takes me and Phoenix with him, and he falls even more madly in love with me when he discovers how scrappy and helpful and compassionate I am.  I think about what our kids might look like.  I wonder what I'll think about him a year from now.  I fantasize about having a happy, healthy relationship with him wherein I am a fantastic girlfriend, but I also maintain my own life separate from him.  I met the guy 11 DAYS AGO.  What the hell is wrong with me??

I decided today that the best course of action was to just walk away as though I were the one who'd lost interest.  Tiffany had some trouble understanding my logic behind doing it this way, and I tried to explain it like this: If I can "trick" myself into believing there's nothing there, I will just continue to go about my life as though nothing had happened.  I was happy before I met him with the progress I'm making with my emotional and psychological health. I'm becoming satisfied with my aloneness, and I was focusing more on things that interest me and that are helping me grow into the person I want to be.  I need to get back to that before I get too deeply involved in whatever I'm attempting to make happen.  While I've been really good about sort of playing hard-to-get and unavailable, I've definitely faltered and I need to revert to what I was doing before I met him.  It's not easy, but I can force myself to behave in the manner in which I was behaving before I met him so that instead of devoting a bunch of my valuable brain-power to thoughts of him and the relationship that we don't have, I'm devoting the brain-power to strengthening my perception of myself and learning to love me for what I am.

Day off tomorrow.  Still don't feel like I've caught up on my sleep, but it might just be Depression weighing down on my sleep center.  It's a major coping mechanism for me, and if I've said it once, I'll say it again - I love my dreams.  It's like living a whole other life that only I know about that allows me to escape from my own confusing reality.

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