A Slightly Retrospective Perspective

I can hardly keep my eyes open at work.  I did go over to the New Guy's house to hang out and watch the eclipse, but I didn't get home until 1am.  While it was entirely worth it to see the incredible cosmos at work, I'm having a bit of trouble keeping it together today.  Somehow I was able to get out of bed with very little trouble, but I'm definitely struggling to stay awake now.  I knew that this would be the consequence of staying there that late, especially with work in the morning, but I used the opportunity as a challenge.  I wanted to remove myself from the comfort zone of my house and my nightly routine in order to spend time with a possible new flame and get to know him a little better.

We sat and talked for awhile, and upon discovering the lateness of the lunar event, decided to sit and watch a movie until the time came to sit in awe of the glory of the galaxy's gravitational pull.  We watched The Dark Knight (my choice, and I originally vetoed the opportunity to pick but then [again as a challenge] chose to be decisive), but that's a long-ass movie.  We kept getting up to go outside to check out the progress of the eclipse - instead of sitting outside observing the event in it's entirety - but kept returning to the warmth of the couch and fleece blanket each time.  Despite the freezing temperature,we did eventually get to see the peak of the eclipse when the moon turns a reddish orange, and it was amazing.  It was as though the sky cleared just in time to see the ruddy moon amongst the bright constellations.  I'm really glad I got to see it!  I'm also really glad I got to spend time with New Guy (I think that's a good name for him for now), because he's fun to be around, and he and his roommate are hilarious.

But now I'm paying for it.  I hate not getting enough sleep at night because I wake up feeling as though I consumed far too much alcohol the night before.  I feel nauseated and generally as though the room is spinning wherever I am.  I took my awesome Women's One-a-Day Active Metabolism vitamin with my coffee (which always gives me just the jolt of energy I need), but then promptly threw up.  The vitamin does that to me from time to time, and I guess it was just too much for my body today.  I should have taken it with food, but I didn't have the chance to make myself the bacon, egg, and cheese bagel I wanted to make last night.  So, to sum up, I'm really glad I went out last night, but I'm feeling pretty miserable today.

We thought that baby S would be getting out of the hospital today, but she's not any better than yesterday and has been given a breathing tube, along with being placed in isolation.  Poor thing.  She's got to be miserable, but luckily she won't remember any of this.  The kids are all supposed to be covered under his insurance, but I found out yesterday that my sister's piece-of-shit-soon-to-be-ex-husband told the court that he'd gotten insurance for them, but he really has not.  What an ass.  If my family gets a hospital bill for this, I'll find him and kick him in the balls myself.  All this is his fault, ALL OF IT.

Because of all this nonsense, and the nonsense with the vehicles, my dad took my mom to work yesterday and I drove her home.  I got to have a fairly good conversation with her about the entire situation at home, with my sister not parenting her kids very well, and what can be done about it, as well as about her own mental health situation (she has Depression year-round, but it's made worse by Seasonal Affective Disorder and having no money for Christmas this year).  I feel a bit more confident that we'll get through this as a family, and that she's aware of what steps need to be taken to address her own mental issues, but I was able to give her a little reassurance that we will get through this together, and that she's got the support of the whole family behind her.  I know that she struggles with feeling a tremendous amount of responsibility for the whole thing, my sister being her kid and all, but we've all told her that it's not exactly something she had any say in, so she should stop feeling guilty.  I also talked to her about getting herself into counseling because her near-daily expressions of how she wants to die are very concerning, especially given her history of attempted suicide.  I think it's important for my family members (mom, dad, and little sister) to understand that what they're going through, we're all going through.  Every little event that occurs affects each one of us.  We've discussed it already, and I know we'll discuss it again.  It doesn't necessarily help, but it's vital that we keep showing our support for one another.

With the baby in the hospital, and her mom with her, and me and my mom at work all day, my dad has been forced to take over the role as primary caregiver yesterday and today.  I have to give him major credit because the kids were eating dinner when I got home yesterday (a nice change from when I get home after they've been with their mom all day), and they were in good spirits.  He took them to see Megamind, which they really enjoyed, and took them grocery shopping and let them pick out what they wanted, and it looked like his patience kicked in when he needed it the most.  I'm sure there were instances throughout the day when he was pushed to his limits, but whatever happened, it had no lasting effects.  He sat and played with them while they were in the bath last night, too.  They seemed to really enjoy getting so much one-on-one time with him. 

To add yet another number to the list of ridiculous and impossible problems, the truck's check engine light has been on for about a week now.  We thought it might just be a loose gas cap (there's a label on the gas cap that says that's the most common reason for a random check engine light), but that's definitely not what's going on.  After I exited the high into Boulder today, the whole truck started shuddering, and the RPM's suddenly went under 1 (which I think they're supposed to maintain at 1 when idling).  Luckily, I was almost to work, so I was able to keep it running and make it here, but we're not sure it will make it all the way back to Broomfield.  As though my parents don't have enough stress, now it looks like they'll have to figure out a way to fix the truck, too.  The old adage - when it rains, it pours - is certainly true, at least for my family.  I'm just not sure how much more stress they can handle before someone really loses it.  My dad's been calling all kinds of mortgage companies to see if he can refinance the house and use some of the equity for a loan, but he and my mom are pretty terrible at money management, so both of their credit scores are too low for them to be able to get any credit from anywhere.  My credit is too low to be able to do anything to help them, too, and my older sister's is probably around 475-500 so there's no point in trying to use her for help.

As we're getting close to the end of 2010, I'm finding myself remembering some of the tiny goals I set for myself, and remembering the outlook I had for the year.  I didn't really attain any of the goals I'd set, although I didn't completely fail either (except my goal of no overdraft fees from the bank - I probably paid a good $500 in those this year).  I looked at 2010 as a chance to rework myself a bit, and to work towards becoming a stronger person.  I had good intentions for how to do some healing and while I've had a couple of rough patches (mainly being contacted by Aaron and the loss of Former Bestie) I feel like 2010 is the best year I've had since like 2005.  Things went to shit for my family in August of this year, though, so I'm not sure how to project positivity into 2011, but I have several days to get that worked out.  I won't get to see New Guy again until right around New Year's because his family has come in from Arkansas to visit and I'm totally fine with that.  I really like my space.