Friday, December 31, 2010

A New Year, But the End of Nothing

I'm not thrilled at the prospect of coming up with New Years Resolutions.  In order to prevent me from disappointing myself, I try to set attainable goals.  My ability to berate myself for not being the perfectionist that I used to be or perhaps want to be is endless.  So I do the best I can to take the possibility of immense failure out of the equation all together.  This next year, I hope to be someone that other people see as dependable.  I'd like to be someone that other people see as responsible.  I'd like to be completely 100% comfortable in and satisfied with my body - weight, wrinkles, joint problems and all.  And the tangible goal - to pay off my debt at CU.  I won't go so far as to say that I want to go back to school because I feel that is just a step too far; it could happen, but there's a good chance it won't happen.  Perhaps I should set a goal to finish my undergrad by 30.  That gives me ample time to get my shit together enough to do it.

This coming year, I'd like to move forward with a writing career.  I've been notified that the category I chose to apply for to write for has "been filled," (which I highly doubt.  How many people could have applied for that same category at the same time I did, and are better writers and/or are better qualified to write for it??) (Okay, that sounds kind of conceited, although I am rarely seriously conceited) so I am going to attempt to apply to write for a different category until I get a category I am satisfied with!  I'd like to get organized enough to get started writing the book I'd like to write.  I'd really like to learn the difference between the words "affect" and "effect" because I'm pretty sure that I use them incorrectly most of the time, but every time I look up their definitions I can't seem to come up with a way to keep them straight so I just forget!  I'd also like to train for and successfully do the Tough Mudder this year, if I can find a person/people to do it with me.  That will probably be the hardest one to fulfill, so I'll keep my options open for it.  I'd also like to be able to ski at least one run of Loveland Pass without falling down. 

I am very proud of myself for this year.  I did not get involved with Aaron again.  I may have spoken to him, but this is the first full year since I met him that I did not cycle through everything with him again.  I am ending this year with much more self-confidence than I had this time last year.  I did not get fired from a single job this year.  I did not make any catastrophic decisions that either effected or will effect the rest of my life.  I took few risks - far fewer risks than perhaps any other year of my adult life.  I learned how to sit with the discomfort I often feel when I discover that my relationships are not going as I wish they would.  I, nor anyone in my family, attempted suicide this year.  I made my peace with knowing that I cannot change the past, and that further attempts to do so are in vain.  Over all, I would give this year a Bronze star for the progress I've made with my recovery and rehabilitation.  A lot of people are thrilled to see the end of 2010, but I don't think I'm one of them.  This year, while very hard, was the best year I've had since maybe 2000.  I've gotten a wonderful opportunity to discover myself, and that's why I give this year a Bronze star - I'm leaving room for improvement and I know that the improvement I've already made will continue.

I had fun today.  I was supposed to go skiing with New Guy tomorrow, but he and Mr. Roomie decided to go today instead - to avoid having to try snowboarding hungover tomorrow I assume.  After the year's first snow yesterday (Denver Metro area only - the mountains have been getting great snow so far this year) (and the ridiculously dicey drive home from work in it with the truck which I discovered is rear-wheel drive, plus the 4-wheel drive is broken), the guys thought the snow would be terrific for skiing and boarding.  It was great snow as far as I'm concerned because it was deep enough to comfortably catch me all 100+ times I fell.  It was however, frigidly cold.  We guessed -5˚F.  By the time we made it up the mountain, my goggles had iced over on the inside.  I had to go down without them.  I didn't mind that too much except that I was wearing mascara and my eyelashes froze over and subsequently melted, leaving mascara running all over my face!  It took me awhile to make it down the mountain, and I was exhausted by the time I got down.  Falling down and getting back up on skis is physical work!  I'd have been happy to go down a few more times if I hadn't been so tired from the first run (and it hadn't been so DAMN cold!), so I only went down once today.  We stopped in Georgetown for food on the way home, and I went to jump into the truck, but my legs didn't get the message my brain sent and I jumped right into the truck's frame!  I banged the SHIT out of my knee, and it STILL hurts 4 hours later.  Holy Moses on toast!!  I had so much fun, though.  Those guys are hilarious, and they're genuinely nice people, too.  I plan on going up with them again the next time they go (the ski rental is all of $16), and even if I only go down the mountain once, it will be practice, and I need it!  What's great is that they go up past the Loveland resort, and park at the bottom, then hitchhike up to the top, usually in the bed of someone's truck (along with bunches of other boarders) and snowboard back down.  There are lots of trees, and it's pretty steep in some places, so not exactly the perfect place to learn, but it's free and it's beautiful!  I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow as I can already feel my hips and knees stiffening up, and my fingertips hurt like I injured them somehow, but it was all more than worth it.  I've begun my skiing hobby!!  Finally!!  After at least two years of wanting to take it up, I'm doing it!!

Maybe in 2011 I can finally get my Scuba license....

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