Doing Some Thinking

I think this is the first instance in which I'm feeling the depth of sorrow of the loss of Former Bestie.  I miss her.  I want to tell her all about what's been going on with New Guy, and about my doubts and fears about the blossoming relationship.  I'm nowhere near picking up the phone to call her, or even writing her a letter.  The reasons for my not wanting to have her in my life anymore are still fresh.  I don't want to have to hear about her impending nuptials and how exciting her life has been since getting engaged.  In fact, just thinking about her telling me those things makes me want to throw up.  If I could talk to her just about the interests that we shared, and about my progress with my self-esteem and the time I've spent with New Guy.

I'm at work today, and it's snowing.  It's been snowing for going on 6 hours now, and is supposed to continue through tomorrow.  Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and I have no plans.  Mostly, I love having no plans.  No need to get all gussied up and put on my smiley face and attempt to attract the attention of the hundreds upon hundreds of single guys out at the bars.  At the same time, I'm slightly disappointed that I haven't been invited to spend the evening with New Guy.  It would be a fun and romantic time, and I'd get to see him again, which is objective #1.  I am, however, to join him and his roommate in going up to Loveland Pass to try my legs at skiing.  I really am going this time.  No chickening out.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to maintain my body heat long enough not to totally hate it, and I am really hoping I don't fall down and make a complete ass out of myself.  I know I will be doing a fair amount of falling, I just would rather not do it too much.

I'm feeling a lot of confusion.  I know that New Guy likes me - I've got that information straight from the source - but I'm not feeling it.  He's not overly touchy-feely, which I'm fine with, but I want him to want to spend a whole lot of time with me, not just a few evenings a week.  How are we supposed to get to know each other if we spend very little time together, and what time we do spend together is in the presence of his roommate (and no offense to Mr. Roomie, he's a great guy and hilarious and I enjoy his company!)?  I want to know everything about him, and I want him to know a lot about me.  I know that he's making a large effort to take things very slowly with me, and I appreciate that respect.  It's rare from what I have seen.

I guess I'm just doing my normal grabbing-on-with-both-hands thing and expecting to be whisked away.  It never happens that way for me, and I was probably hoping it would this time around.  Oh well.