Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school.*

Tonight I'm feeling a bit blue.  I am pretty sure that I know why - the gravity of my situation with Former Bestie is starting to sink in.  It just plain sucks.  I wish I were one of those people who were capable of just walking away from people who are important in their lives.  I'll never be able to do that.  That's why I have so much trouble in relationships.

Anyway, I had a pretty good day today.  I played with the kiddos and helped out around the house a bit and napped a bit.  I had little H come in and sleep in my bed with me last night and the only way I can describe that is BLISS.  He's still pretty little, and he's pretty much a Mexican jumping bean in his sleep, but it was absolutely wonderful having him in my bed with me.  I felt so loved!  He of course got up at 6am and said "I'm gonna go sleep in my own bed now."  But he did not, he got up, as did just about everyone else at that point.  

Having them here, and I was really surprised to find out that they were coming over last night and staying two nights, really makes me think really thoroughly about having kids of my own.  I'm nowhere near ready.  I really enjoy my alone time, and when you have kids, that's the first thing that goes out the window.  I also really love to sleep, and that's the next thing to go.  I know that when I have my own kid(s), I'll be more than happy to give up my alone time and my sleep, and I'm mostly fine with doing it for my nephews and niece, but I'm just not all the way there yet.  I've already made the decision that I won't even consider having my own kids until I'm making at least $60,000 a year because I can't imagine having to struggle to support them and myself even semi-comfortably on anything less. 

But OH do I love those kids to death.  The things that they say, how active their imaginations are, are always surprising.  Z calls McDonald's "Bicdonalds."  H says, "Can my have..." instead of "Can I have..."  Instead of a guitar, they call it a "bitar," and tonight we were playing Candy Land and Z called the little kids on the board "Handsome and Gretel."  My little niece is finally starting to relax around us, and she's much more smiley and happy.  She even ventured to touch Phoenix today.

So I guess I'm okay with using them as my surrogate kids for the time-being, as long as they don't mind being my surrogate kids, and I don't think they do.  I took them to Target today to get some dog treats and I let them pick out king-sized candy bars for after dinner.  Spoiling them is glorious.

I may have found a new place to live.  I sent out a bunch of emails a couple weeks ago inquiring about rooms in apartments and houses in Boulder, and I received a response from my first choice place yesterday.  I've been talking with one of the two girls who lives there about the details of the situation and it sounds like something that would be a good fit for Phoenix and I.  It's slightly more than I was hoping to pay, but it's a house with a backyard and another dog, so it might be worth it.  We'll see.  My parents are mostly opposed to my moving out so quickly, and I have to admit that I'm very, very nervous about it.  I should probably try to wait until like February or March to move so that I have some money saved up, but I am not sure that I can retain my sanity for that much longer in this situation.  As much as I love those kids, they suck so much energy out of me, and it's really hard on my parents to have them here along with my sister and me.  I don't think it would much change my parents' financial situation if I left sooner than later, but I'd like to be able to help them out if I can.  Having my bedroom vacated would probably help the space situation here as well.  So I really don't know what to do.  I have some time to think about it as well.

Tomorrow I think I will be meeting with another potential new employer tomorrow to discuss the possibility of my working for him a couple of days a week.  Honestly, I'm kind of dreading it because I want to be able to get used to my work schedule and take advantage of having 4 days a week off, and I'm not ready to be working 5 days a week yet.  I don't want to be incapable of fulfilling an obligation because that just leads to feelings of inadequacy and unreliability and I need to feel adequate and reliable as much as I possibly can.

Anyway, I need to get into bed.  I've got a long day to get through tomorrow, but it is my Friday, which I'm thankful for.  We also won't have the kids again for about a week and a half, unless my sister works something different out with her ex-husband with whom she is meeting with privately right now.  Tomorrow's post is already partly done, which is the first time I'll have been working on a post ahead of time, but it's a really long one and it goes into deep detail about how I am reacting to not having any contact at all whatsoever with Former Bestie anymore.

*"Narcissistic Personality Disorder -" Mayo Clinic Medical Information and Tools for Healthy Living - Web. 02 Dec. 2010. <>.

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