Monday, April 11, 2011

Ache of the Head

Oh man, my mood was terrible all day today.  I'm sure that it's mostly because of my dating/non-dating situation.  I fucked up with the last two guys, and I got an email from a random guy last night, who I decided to give a chance.  We exchanged a couple of emails and I added him on facebook, and he accepted my request, only to take me off his friends almost immediately.  My guess is that he looked at my pictures and decided I wasn't his type or whatever.  I had started replying to his last email when that happened, so I deleted it and then deleted my account on the free dating site.  I've certainly had enough.

I made it through the entire workday without watching any TV shows online, which I had sort of made a goal for the day today because I knew I'd be tempted to do something to get out of my head, and I knew that I needed to sit with the discomfort I was (and still am) feeling.  I feel like I did pretty well.

I have a pretty decent headache going.  It's not like a lot of my headaches, which sort of target someplace behind one of my eyes.  This one has taken over my whole head.  I've taken a couple of aspirin, but it's not really helping that much.

I just watched a show on A&E called Relapse.  It's about drug addicts who have been through treatment programs and detox, but continually relapse.  I always forget how much I feel like my mental illness is like some kind of addiction.  It shows a lot of the same hallmarks of falling back on old habits, the same thought processes that lead to chronic depression lead to drug and alcohol use and abuse, the same struggle against something that is so familiar.  I used to watch a lot of the show Intervention, because I felt some connection to the addicts featured on there.  I wanted more than anything to be able to go into some kind of long-term inpatient treatment program, because I thought that the kinship I'd feel with others experiencing the same feelings I was experiencing, and the constant monitoring and support would be helpful.  And I have done an inpatient treatment, but it was only for 70-some hours.  It was really a good experience for me, to see how miserable it is, to see how different the experience is for different people, to see what it's like to have all of your decision-making choices taken away, and to be under constant surveillance.  To have to convince people that you are well enough to regain your rights and responsibilities again is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it was ultimately exactly what I needed.

Anyway, I think I need to focus on what my addiction is - which is being sad, being negative, being unhappy and dissatisfied - so that I can find a way to recover from it, and get stronger each time I relapse so that the experience of going through all these terrible feelings all over again is less and less terrible.  One of the things the Sober Coach said to the addict on this show was that if the addict was willing to go to treatment, it meant that she loved herself and thought that she deserved to be happy, and did the addict think she deserved to be happy?  These are the questions that I need to be really cognizant of and be asking myself on a daily basis.  The Sober Coach said that when the addict is in the throes of addiction, and using and abusing, they're not thinking about themselves, they're thinking about using.  And while I don't have an addiction to any substance, the principle is the same.  If I can figure out how to love myself, and if I can discover again that I do deserve to be happy, I will be okay.

I just don't really think I can do it alone, and I feel like my support system is dropping like flies.  I'm still not speaking to Jen (although I don't think I ever really counted her as a huge part of my support system), Jonas and Jamie are upset because I didn't just get over the dog-sitting fiasco.  I feel like Kate is far too wrapped up in her own life to care about what I'm going through, I tried calling Kara the other night and she wasn't really able to talk and hasn't called back yet, and I think that often Tiffany doesn't know quite how to handle what I am going through.  I really need to see my therapist again, but I don't know how I'm going to do that, with as much money as I owe God and everyone right now.

I think that the biggest reason that I'm stressing out right now is because I am so far beyond broke.  My next two paychecks are already spent on rent, cable, internet, utilities, health insurance, a student loan payment, credit card payment, taxes, medical bills, and my enrollment fee for CU.  I'm really, really not looking forward to having to work 38 hours a week for at least 5 straight weeks here soon.

I was really annoyed today by Anna, the coworker with whom I share my job.  She shows properties on the days when I'm at the desk, and I'm the one who takes all the phone calls that result from the posting on craigslist that we do on Mondays.  I received a call today from someone asking what our pet policy is, which is that we are only allowing dogs at one property at this point, with a $500 deposit and $50/month pet rent.  I told a person that today, and when this person showed up to see one of our properties (one that doesn't allow dogs), she told Anna that I had quoted her $50 a month for pet rent, and Anna called me all afluster asking why I had told the girl that.  I explained that my boss, Barbara, had told me that we were charging that amount for pet rent at the one property that allows dogs.  She said that that amount was incorrect, and that she knew what the correct amount was because of her position as accountant for the property management company.  So I said that I would check to make sure I wasn't incorrect, and turns out, I was right!  Then she got very snappy with me when I asked her to verify with me that she'd said she'd scheduled a showing for 5pm on Friday, even though as far as I knew, we weren't showing on Fridays anymore.  She said that yes, she was going to show the apartment on Friday and that she'd scheduled it for herself.  She has this incredible ability to make me feel really stupid about some things when she hasn't given me the correct or full information in the first place.  And unfortunately, I'm not someone who deals well with confrontation and so it is especially hard for me to tell people when they are wrong, even if I know they are wrong.

Ugh.  My headache seems to be getting worse.  I need to go get into the shower before Linda the Inconsiderate jumps in there ahead of me again (as she did this morning, causing me to actually be late for work by taking a shit right at 7am when I was just about to brush my teeth).  I really hope tomorrow will be more bearable.  I need to start getting back to work on my self-esteem.

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