Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Twenty-Six and One Half

Well, I did it.  I told my boss, Barbara, that I can't show apartments anymore.  In fact, those are exactly the words I used.  I explained that I don't like having to deal with the tenants, that I don't like confrontation, and that having to be gone for three hours to show apartments for one is just not working for me.  Luckily, I think I stuck with it long enough that it's not as big of a deal that I'm bailing as it would have been if I had tried to bail earlier.  I made it two months.  She was pretty understanding, and she asked me if this means I don't want to go into property management, and I told her noooooooo.  I think the other part that helped me is that I let her see me as a more fragile human, and maybe a little more immature than she had originally thought.  I reminded myself of the way that I used to interact with adults when I was a kid - very meek and soft-spoken.  It was very strange to step into that role again, because it's been a long time that I've been loud and friendly now.  But I think I went into it from the right angle and I didn't get the feeling that I was disappointing her too terribly much.  I'm not fired yet.

That's all I did today, showing apartments.  And only one person showed up to look, at my favorite apartment.  I was asleep the rest of the day, to Phoenix's chagrin.  It's okay though.  He will be spending the next two days at my parents house, where chaos rules.

And let's see...what else...Oh, I'm still talking to my date from the weekend, and we have plans to do something together on Saturday.  What, we haven't decided yet, but something.  He went on a date last night, and didn't show up on the radar again until this afternoon, so it looks like he may have found my competition.  I have a few choices I can make about how to react to this, but I haven't chosen yet.  I can just shut my feelings off right now and cut my losses.  I can play the "I don't care a.k.a. hard to get" game, which I don't like and don't want to do as it is a game.  Or I can be me, which is honest and forthright in everything I ask or say, and risk losing my sense of mystery.  I haven't made my choice yet.

Then on Sunday, I'm meeting another guy for coffee or something.  This guy is a little different, a little more like I would probably be if I didn't have depression.  The reason I started talking to him is because I think he resembles Aaron, slightly.  His personality is completely different, though.  He's actually got some joie de vivre.  He seems reasonably intelligent, which is fantastic.  He's got a 5 year-old daughter, but that doesn't bother me too much, as I have three kids of my own, they're just not mine.  I am excited about meeting him, although he lives in South Denver, which is further away.  He actually just called me but I didn't answer because I don't want to sound like a loser by telling him I can't talk because I am too engrossed in a TV show.   But I wanted to watch this show.

While I was asleep earlier, I dreamed that my family was taking a trip to Sweden, and I didn't think about where to keep Phoenix while we were gone and I started panicking.  Also, suddenly I had three brothers, and they were not able to get past customs or whatever because they were all on some no-fly list, so we had to figure out a way to finagle our way past.  I woke up and gave Phoenix about a hundred hugs and kisses and told him I was sorry that I dreamed that because it made me so upset.  I don't like waking up upset by a dream like that, and it hasn't happened to me much recently but I think it really rattled me today.  So I'm kind of looking forward to going back to sleep so I can replace the last images that are in my mind.

I need to breathe while I can here because I have to work for the next two days.  That's going to be tough.

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