Thursday, April 21, 2011

Back to the Regular Routine

If I'd written anything at this time of day yesterday, I wouldn't have had much to write about.  But I'm at work today, and I think I've probably discovered all the things I'm meant to discover for now.  I had a hard time falling asleep last night, and when I woke up this morning, I found it difficult to believe that anything that happened yesterday was real.  But it was!

I haven't filled out the application for the plasma center yet, but I will either later tonight or sometime tomorrow.

As for this evening, I have to go get Phoenix from my mom, I'll probably stay for dinner and hang out with the kiddos for awhile, and then go home and relax.

Tomorrow is Meredi's birthday, and I really wanted to be able to go and hang out with her and do things for her birthday celebrations this weekend, but I don't have any money to be able to spend on any of it, so I am going to make her a cake instead.  It's going to be red velvet with a creamy cream-cheese and whipped cream frosting.  I am going to make two cakes, one for her and one for my family to have for Easter.  That will be tomorrow at my parents' house while I am there helping my mom with the kids while my sister is at work.

I haven't written much about how I've been feeling since I've given up any hope of dating right now.  And how I am feeling is lonely and sad.  I've been doing really well keeping those feelings to a minimum, and not letting them bubble up to the surface and wash over me, but they're definitely in there.  I'm faking being okay with being alone as best I can, but it's hard work.  I will probably have to babysit the kids tomorrow night while my sister is working and my mom is picking my dad up from the airport, and I really don't mind as I don't have any plans and will most likely not be making any plans between now and then.  I even told my sister that I was perfectly satisfied with not having plans on a Friday night.  Which I mostly am, but there's a niggling part of me that wishes that I had somewhere to go, with someone who cared about me.

I really am doing my best to be okay with it.  I'm trying to sort of transpose the happiness I sought in a potential partner with happiness with just me and myself.  It's really difficult to find things about myself that I can see that will allow me to experience the same type of happiness I might find with another person.  I really want to be able to treat myself as my own best friend, to give myself the support and love and compassion that I reserve for everyone else, but it's really difficult when every single day is a new journey in self-discovery and pursuit of positive change in myself.  And if you're trying to change something, you must not like it the way it is, right? 

I feel that as I've gotten older, I've thrived on change.  I change my hair, the decor of my living space, the purse I carry, my daily routine, my location, the style of my dress, the people in my life, my job, my education focus, you name it.  I keep nothing as it is for too long.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I've always liked how it feels to change my daily experience.  I have almost no constants in my life, aside from my family, and now my dog.  I think I am terrified of mediocrity, of regularity, of normalcy, and that might be why I require so much attention and why I feel so upset when I don't get the attention I so desire.  I think I am just not sure how to be satisfied with myself just as I am and that is a huge, enormous, gigantic problem.  How can I build my self-esteem and learn to love myself if I can't stand myself the way I am right this second and need to constantly change every single thing about me?

Relatively speaking, I am okay.  The rather enormous amounts of life-changing events and information I have received in the last few days has given me a life-preserver to hang on for awhile I guess.  I would really like to make some more progress in terms of not just accepting but coming to enjoy my loneliness and independence from responsibility to anyone in the world but myself.

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