Monday, April 4, 2011

Moody, Much?

I'm really not a happy lady today.  I slept really well and woke up feeling mostly rested, and actually allowed myself to sleep an extra 20 minutes today since I didn't have anything fancy to do with my hair (I'm wearing it natural today - curly/wavy).  I really get tired of people asking me if I had a good weekend.  Generally, my weekends consist of getting caught up on sleep, hanging out with my family, maybe hanging out with some friends (emphasis on the maybe, considering the number of friends I have in close proximity to me is dwindling down to about 1), and overall just spending time by myself.  I like my alone time, because I am finding it harder and harder to spend time with people who match my level of intelligence, and I'm getting to the point in my life where I don't want to spend time with people with whom I cannot have an intelligent conversation (that really minimizes the list).

And speaking of having intelligent conversations, I think I'm going to take a break from the free dating site after my most recent stint.  It's especially hard to find guys on there that I can have any kind of intelligent interaction with, despite the fact that I have on my profile that I am borderline MENSA smart and would prefer to be challenged intellectually.  I still get all kinds of emails where the spelling is all out of whack and where it simply says, "Hi," or "How is your day going?"  I don't reply to those.

Just sitting here right now, thinking about my dating situation and all the questions I have and all the thoughts that are swiftly moving through my head, I feel as though I am just about to cry.  I know what has triggered this, too.  I was looking around on facebook at the friends that I have taken off my newsfeed, and I looked at Nick (whom I dated briefly).  Knowing what I know about him and how he acts when he is in a relationship (as he currently is), I shouldn't be surprised to find out that he's booked a trip to Costa Rica with his new girlfriend (and he did something really similar with the girl he dated before me, but she broke up with him before the trip), or to know that he's so very into the new girlfriend that she's just about all he talks about.  I decided to remove him from my friends because I highly doubt he wants anything to do with me anymore, and to be honest, I can't stand the jealousy I feel for the new girlfriend and for the fact that I have never, not once in my life, had a guy who was so into me that he wanted to buy me things and take me places.  Granted, the one important relationship I've had in my life that I feel actually counts as a relationship occurred when I was but 19 years old and he and I were nowhere near old nor mature enough to be doing the sorts of things that a guy my age now or a guy I may date who is older might do, and while Aaron paid for me to fly to Hawaii and paid for my to fly to Texas and he paid for my hotels, I don't really consider those to be as special as what Nick is doing for his new lady because I paid for my trips to visit him emotionally and then some.

I'm also a little upset about the developments of my date this weekend, because while I could tell he liked (likes?) me, he said that he still wants to see what else is out there (which means date other people).  He said he still would like to talk to me and spend some time with me, which is great, but the whole dating thing is exhausting in and of itself without having to worry about whether or not he's going to meet or has already met someone who he will like more than he likes me.  And at that point, I almost feel like I shouldn't waste my time if that is going to be a possibility because I know myself and I know how I will react to that and it won't be good.

And so, last night, I sort of decided that I want to give up on dating.  I've felt like giving up before, but had always maintained some hope that if I'd proclaimed that I was giving up, the universe would take notice and finally send me a guy I could trust.  There's some phrase out there that says that love will find you when you're not looking for it; I believe it because it's happened for me that way.  When I first started dating Brian, I had given up hope and made my peace with the probability that I would end up being the old lady with the dogs who'd never been married.  However, each time I wanted to give up, there was still hope in the back of my mind, however tiny.  At this point though, I don't want to be hopeful anymore because I feel like all it's given me up to this point is disappointment - over and over.  Tiffany says that I shouldn't give up, and that I should sleep on this feeling and maybe make a decision later on, but after thinking about it last night, sleeping on it, and still feeling the same way this morning and also seeing what I might have had with Nick had he felt a connection with me, I think I'm ready to throw in the towel.

I want myself and my personal happiness to be my number one priority and I want to be able to be happy without a man in my life, and so I think that is what I need to work on right now.  I need to really let go of all the possibilities for meeting someone new: the free dating site,, and the possibility of meeting a guy during any kind of other activity I may find myself doing: taking a class, going to the dog park, hanging out with friends, etc.  I'm just emotionally drained and exhausted from trying to flaunt my good qualities while trying to hide the bad from people who may or may not be interested at all in the first place.

I don't know if I've written about it before, but I sometimes get angry at Brian for sort of tricking me into believing that there was hope for my happiness in a relationship, when I was perfectly happy believing that I would end up the old lady with all the dogs.  I wish I could go back to that mental place and pick back up where I had no knowledge of being in a relationship and enjoying it, nor of having to go through the heartbreak of watching it end and being completely helpless to stop it.

All I can do is try...

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