Sunday, April 10, 2011

The End

Okay, so I'm officially giving up!  I'll be deleting my free dating site profile tomorrow.  I think things are not going to work out with either of the guys I've met in the last couple of weeks, and I'm proud of myself for trying, but I'm done.  It's too hard on me, and I can't handle it anymore.  I need, probably more than anything, to really, really, really focus on myself and on doing things for myself that are good and healthy and conducive to my survival.  I think if I have to go on another first date, I might be tempted to kill myself.

Today's date went okay.  The guy is really funny, and really sweet and totally goofy, all of which are qualities that I like, but it was just awkward.  He's not the most distinguished conversationalist, and he is a little on the weird side.  I feel bad because I don't want him to think that I was just using him for a meal, because I wasn't.  But I doubt I'll be seeing him again.  And the other guy, the one I really liked, has not been in contact with me, which indicates to me that he's not all that interested.  The bottom line is that if a guy wants to see you or get to know you, he will move heaven and earth to make that happen.  And I'm sick of wondering and I'm sick of trying and I'm sick of thinking that there's something wrong with me because he's not interested.

I feel like my acceptance of my giving up is getting a little easier.  I don't really feel like crying out of despair and sorrow, at least not right now.  I sometimes wonder if maybe I am just meant to spend this life alone and struggling and suffering.  Perhaps I did something truly awful in a past life, or maybe my last life was really fantastic and wonderful and now it's my turn to hurt.

I have cramps right now, and I'm not feeling super great.  I have an appointment with my lady-doc on Wednesday to figure out what the hell to do about the incessant bleeding that I am experiencing.  Maybe it's better if I don't meet a guy because I think if I ever actually made it to marriage, only to find out that I can't have kids, I'd be heartbroken all over again.

So begins the life of spinsterhood.  

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