Thursday, April 7, 2011

Prologue to Despair

I don't understand men.  It seems to me that every single guy that I've talked to and/or met up with is being very, very (unnecessarily) uncertain about having any kind of lasting relationship with me.  I don't know whether to chalk it up to males being male, or to something about me that creates uncertainty in males.  It's really causing me to question myself and whether or not I should keep trying to date.  I've got two guys on my list for now, but both of them are being very wary of me.  I guess I don't understand why neither of them is even considering the possibility of jumping in with both feet with me and seeing what happens after that.  I suppose it may have something to do with self-preservation on their parts, but for once, I'd just like to feel like I'm worth taking a leap for.

There I go, getting into my "why won't anyone love me" tirade again.  What I need to do is to take a step back, and focus on what's at hand in the here and now.  I'm still at work, but I'm leaving in 25 minutes.  I don't have anything to have for dinner, except red wine, although I may stop at the store on my way home and get some bread and subsist on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches until next week when I get paid again.  I'd really like to be able to just remove the veil of uneasiness that I'm feeling at the moment and be satisfied with the state of things as they are.  I guess maybe I'm just not meant to be satisfied with things the way they are.

Okay, so I wrote that, and then left work, and after returning to it two hours later, I have some perspective.  As soon as I get any inkling that there may be decreased interest from a guy, I get upset.  At this point, I'm not sure why I get upset, as it seems to be the norm that I meet a guy, spend a little time with him, and then he decides that I'm not the one for him, and stops talking to me.  I think it just really bothers me that I can't keep anyone's attention for any longer than a couple of weeks.  It makes me wonder what I did or said wrong, or what is wrong with me that I'm not interesting enough to hold their attention.  I really don't like feeling this way, either.  It's a downward spiral - once I start noticing decreased communication with whatever guy it is at the time, I get upset, and I'll either tell them I'm upset, or pretend nothing is wrong, and then let them just sort of disappear and then quietly fall apart.

God, I must be one hell of a boring person!  At 26, I have virtually no life, and almost no friends.  My mom tells me that I need to get out and do things, take a class, volunteer somewhere, do something that I'm passionate about, but after I get done with work, I can hardly bring myself to work up the energy to make myself food for dinner, much less go and DO something.  I know that right now I'm having a relapse and it's going to be hard for awhile, and maybe get even harder to function normally, but I feel like I'm a lot more active than I used to be.  The days where I don't leave the house are more and more rare.  Even if I just leave the house to go to my parents house, it's something.  I guess being sick this way is just something that I'm going to have to make my peace with.

I also wonder if maybe I should be less open and honest and conversational about my feelings.  And I'm not just talking about guys, I mean all around.  I need to be more of a closed-off person.  At work, especially.  I've done pretty well about not divulging my every thought and feeling to any and everyone who will listen to me the way I've done before, but I think maybe I need to just back off from the perspective that the world is my oyster and that it will accept me as I am because there is no other option.

I sometimes wish that I could like me just the way I am, so that maybe I have a chance that someone else will like me as I am, too.  And I can't make up my mind as to whether or not I'm a complete mess, or if I'm very together because I feel like I have moments of both during each and every day.  Emotionally, I am a complete mess.  I have more self-loathing and more reasons to be very self-critical than anyone I know, but I think I am able to put off a really organized and together vibe to the world.  I'm a punctual person, I almost never lose things, I do the best I can to pay my bills on time, and I've cleaned up my credit and have it prepared to go in a positive direction.  I am aware of everything that is required of me from every organization that I have any involvement in (i.e., next weekend's 9 Health Fair, getting prepared for financial aid at CU), and I have been trying with every molecule of my being to be a more reliable and dependable person.  Yet I cannot, no matter how hard I try, nor what I do, seem to get my shit together emotionally.  I tried taking time off from dating, and I feel like I must have reached the point where I wanted to date again, but I'm finding it just as upsetting and frustrating as before.

Which makes me wonder - will I ever be ready?  Will I need to consistently put effort into it, or will it just happen for me someday, and if the latter is the case, then why won't it happen sooner than later so that I can stop worrying about it?

So I guess tonight I am a mess.  I'm trying to isolate as much as I can tonight, but I'm not succeeding very well.  I'd like to stop being a serial facebooker, and I want to stop checking the free dating site for a new email from last weekend's date.  I want to just be happy with me, as I am, without judgment from myself or anyone else.  I did it once, and I think I can do it again, but it's going to be really hard because I am so desperate for companionship.  I think going back to school will help quiet my busy mind and reroute all the energy I put into thinking of myself and my emotional health and my shortcomings to thoughts of real, worldly things.  But that is just a hope.  I also hope that going back to school won't overwhelm me as it has before.  I had a moment of panic today, when I thought about how much free time I'm going to be losing in the near future, with the combination of work and school.  I'm terrified of getting so overwhelmed that I have yet another breakdown.

I even thought, as I was ascending the stairs into the parking garage, as I looked over the railing to see how far down the bottom level was, about jumping.  I don't like thinking that way, because despair is like a parasite, and the minute I begin to feel it, the more it feeds on me and it grows and grows, inhibiting more and more of my mind with each thought.

Ugh, I need to be done with this.  I could probably write all night, but I want to have as much energy tomorrow as I had today, and I still have a new episode of Bones to watch.  My coping skills are not working too great right now.

1 comment:

  1. You should re-read this. And Beth, you're worth taking the hugest leap for. Don't you forget that.