Thursday, April 28, 2011

This is NOT a Jimmy John's Endorsement (Unless they want to pay me)

Physically, I am feeling quite a lot better.  Near famished all the time, in fact.  After a brief period of not wanting to ingest anything solid (or liquid, for that matter) for fear of vomiting it back up, the body seems to return to normal function with force.  I ordered a Jimmy John's sandwich for lunch and it took 12 minutes between my submitting the online order and it's delivery.  I took that as a sign and inhaled the thing, and it was delicious.  I had contemplated actually leaving the building to walk the two blocks to Chipotle for a burrito but thought the better of it.  I almost certainly would have gotten away with leaving for ten tiny minutes, but I didn't want to risk it.

What was nice about returning to work today was the wonderful things everyone's had to say to me.  They're all inquiring if I am feeling better, and they're all telling me that they missed me on Tuesday, because apparently the temp they had in here was straight-up terrible.  Which is why I need to discuss with Barbara the prospect of hiring another part-time person so I can return to school.  I can easily do classes online this summer, and had intended to regardless, because the way the summer term scheduling works is to have class for over two hours, Monday through Friday.  If that is the case and I am able to go back, I'd have to work Monday through Friday, but only part of the day, which I don't think would be too bad, as it would only be for a couple of months.  But either way, I will get some classes done over the summer, whether or not I am actually IN a classroom.

I had a lot of trouble with maintaining my patience this morning.  Here is an email I sent to a girl that I'm friendly with in the building describing my encounter with some clients this morning:

So I have to vent this to someone.  There’s a client here for Cordell and Cordell (a law firm whose ad logo is "A partner men can count on.").  He brought his mother.  Here’s what happened:

The form I give to their clients is 4 pages long.  He is unemployed, so he asked me what to put for his employer contact information.  And apparently couldn’t tell that the form had three more pages.  Then as they were getting into the elevator, his mother asked if there were any coffee pots in the building.  Just like that.  I think that was her way of saying it was rude that she hadn’t been offered coffee yet.

Then they went upstairs, but his mother came back down to put change in the meter outside, but asked me why I don’t provide change for the meters located around the building.  I directed her to either park in the garage across the street and pay with bills, or to go to the shops on Pearl to get change.  She came back, and asked where the bathrooms are.  I said the women’s room was to the left of the elevator, so she went right and then told me it was the men’s room.  I had to repeat “go to the left.”  Then she asked where the elevator buttons were.  I said they were on the wall to the right of the elevator, and she replied, “Nuh-uh!”  And then, “Oh, there they are.”

Kill me now.

I'm serious.  These two people might have been the two stupidest people I have ever had the pleasure of encountering in my entire life!  And it was quite obvious that they were genetically related.  Unbelievable.  I would even go so far as to venture that the son - who was meeting the lawyers to attain their services in his divorce - might even have some kind of disability.  In which case I should feel much worse about commenting on his lack of intelligence; but I don't.

I think part of my low tolerance was due to the fact that I was so incredibly hungry, and I felt quite a bit better after eating.  It's amazing the things a good sandwich can do. 

Something I've been wanting to write about is a point of pride I have taken in the work I'm doing on myself - and to be perfectly honest, that one thing is actually escaping me right now.  I am pretty sure it had something to do with my acceptance of my loneliness and my coming to terms with my being alone.  In fact, and ironically, two of the three guys I had a flicker of hope for dating contacted me within 24 hours of each other.  I may have plans to meet up with one of them (Tim - from a long time ago), but I haven't heard anything else since I called the other back and left a message.  I'm really doing my best to not really think too much on either person, because I'm fairly certain neither one is thinking much about me (well they must have at some point to actually try to get in contact with me).  And that seems to be working for me.  The less I care, the easier it gets.

I haven't been back to the plasma place yet, although I plan to go on Saturday, because I am so low on money that I may have less than $7 to get me through until May 15th.  I have submitted my application for employment there as well, but haven't heard anything back on that yet, either.  No big deal.

One thing I want to touch on that I do not like and feel as though I have very little control over is how much I've been sleeping.  Now, naturally, when you're sick, you need sleep, and I've been using that excuse for the last couple of days to doze and nap whenever I feel like it.  But before that, and now, even, my body just craves sleep ravenously and is incomparable to anything else.  I think part of it might be that I really like my dreams, and yearn for the comfort that I feel when I'm living my life in my dream-world, but I can't come up with an explanation for why I want to sleep so badly all of the time.  I know that it's a major symptom of depression, and it's also a symptom of hypothyroid, but I know that's in check since I just had blood-work done (which will end up costing me more money that I don't have).  I hate it, too, because it makes me feel guilty for not being active with Phoenix and it makes me feel guilty because there's a whole big world out there that I know I'm missing out on.  I feel guilty because I know that there are interpersonal connections I could be making with new people and finding new friends and people that I can actually go out and do things with, but instead I just want to crawl up onto my bed and drift off into whatever the dream-life I've created for myself is.

Last night, while I was in the shower, I made the decision to stop using Facebook for awhile.  I spend so much time on there, most of it making minute comparisons between myself and the people I'm friends with on there, and I don't think it's good.  I feel like I need to take a break from that world and interact with the world that is not on the internet for awhile and see what happens.  I have no plans to do the online dating thing again (I'd really like to swear that off completely and permanently but I know my desperation will reach new heights if I'm not married in about 10 years), and without those two major highways of communication, I will be forced to interact with the world that is just outside my door.

I think Facebook gave me an outlet of sorts to act as and be myself to it's truest form without actually having to leave the safety of the very small and very comfy little world I have.  I was able to flaunt my intelligence and my sense of humor and be self-deprecating and genuinely sad without having to actually BE those things in real-life.  But what I don't like about the instantaneous accessibility that Facebook (and other kinds of technology, i.e., Twitter and texting) is that you're available to have attention from vast numbers of people at any given minute of any given day, and when you post something and get no response, the echo is much, much louder than if you simply call someone and tell them the same thing.  I guess what I mean is that for someone like me who thrives on and craves attention for validation of self-worth, to get it or NOT get it from a large audience such is the "friends" I have on Facebook (which currently number at 124) has an even more devastating effect on whatever it is that I view my self-worth as.  I think it helps to have a few very close and very important friends that like to stay current on all thoughts and feelings I have and choose to post, and then comment on those posts for the rest of the world to see, sometimes inciting an interesting or ridiculous discussion.  But when it comes down to it's most empirical form, just means that someone cares that you had something to say.  And when no one comments, does it mean that no one cares what you had to say?

That's about it for now.  My brain feels micro-ounces lighter after having gotten that out.  More later.  Or tomorrow.  Probably tomorrow.

Also.  I dropped a butter knife, point-down on my toe this morning!  This week has not been easy on my body.  I fully expect to be clobbered if I go to soccer this weekend.

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