Friday, August 26, 2011

Clarity of Thought

I'm not sure why, but my drive to work took longer than usual this morning.  There was no unusual traffic, no long stops, nothing.  But it literally took me longer to get from home to work today.  I timed it.  On the way, I got lost in my thoughts, which I haven't really done in a long time.  I barely remember the drive.  I just thought about how I think I might be living in my version of hell.  I was thinking about how I know more girls my age who are married and have kids than who are single and are focusing on a career.  In fact, I don't know a single woman my age who is focusing on a career, and putting off marriage and kids.  I know women who are single, who have jobs, but I don't know anyone who has a particular goal in mind for a career, who are purposely postponing marriage so they can achieve a certain career status first.  I find that really weird! 

When I graduate from undergrad, I plan to move forward with a career plan.  I'm not sure what that is yet, but I have to refuse to work in a job that is not in a field that interests me.  After this job, I will never again work in something that's just a "job."  I think it's going to be especially frustrating to try to find work in a field that will further enable me to climb the career ladder to whatever goal I choose.

When I mention that I might be living in my own personal hell is that the women I know, especially the ones my age, are living the life I wish I could live.  I wish I could be a wife and a mother.  I wish I had a companion, someone to come home to, someone who could take care of me, both emotionally and financially.  Being alone sucks, sometimes.  I try really hard to make my peace with it for the most part.  I don't have a choice, you know?  I can't just choose to not be single anymore.  I've certainly been trying to change my circumstances with respect to that, but I can't seem to be able to.  So I have to live with it.  And make the best of it.  Which is what I'm trying to do.  Some days are harder than others.  But I feel like I do okay living with the disappointment of not being able to have the life I want, or the life I wish I had.  I write a lot about how terrified I am to graduate college and not be able to move forward with having a career that I like.  Because if I can't have a husband and a family, then I have to have a career that I love instead.

Anyway, I wanted to write about that before I forgot, because I think this is something really important that occupies my thoughts more often than not.  It may be my only post for the day, but it may not.  I don't usually write this early.

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