Monday, August 1, 2011

The Hangover: Part II

I need to write something now because I am going to be vapidly unconscious in about 5 hours.  I'm not entirely sure how much sleep I got, I'd guess somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 hours, which isn't bad.  I think I generally need 6 to function correctly.  But getting up this morning was extremely painful because of the large amount of alcohol I imbibed yesterday.  I blame Pilot Guy almost entirely, as he encouraged it.  I blame myself for loving alcohol as I do.  Anyway, the world is a little blurry and whirly today. 

I've been doing fine today, for the most part.  I've decided that to encourage the time to move a little more quickly that I need to get into a TV series, so I'm watching Lost.  I'm on episode 6 already.  Of course there are like 25 episodes in a season and 6 seasons, so maybe I'll get through season 1 by Wednesday and can watch while I'm at the airport or something.

Yup, three and a half days until Bestie Reunion 2011.  I haven't seen her face, in real life, in over two years.  I'm pretty excited. 

If I can just make it through the rest of today and Tuesday and Wednesday...

I also really, really enjoyed seeing Pilot Guy yesterday.  I like spending time with him very much.  I would like to see more of him but I think I probably won't get to.  I need to sort of be skeptical about the goodness of the whole thing so that when it inevitably doesn't work out that I'm not completely destroyed.  He is traveling for work the next four days, I leave in three, he gets back while I'm gone, but leaves again for vacation and will be gone for like two weeks.  By the time he gets back, I'll be back in school again.  I was a little thrown this morning upon finding out that I probably wouldn't get to see him again (at least for awhile, if at all), because we spent hours talking yesterday and he never mentioned it.  I also know that he wants to keep things pretty casual for awhile. 

I frustrate the crap out of myself.  I was almost entirely certain I didn't want to be in a relationship.  I like my independence.  I like my free time.  But I've had so much fun with Pilot Guy already that I just want to spend more time with him.  It's like the minute I figure out that I can't have something, I want it.  Totally ridiculous.  Entirely stupid.  So I'm having trouble sort of just tagging along for the ride without considering the future.  Ironically, that is something I'd very much like to be able to do - just have fun, see what happens, and not worry about the future.  Not worry about what is going to happen down the road.  Live in the moment.  That's perhaps my greatest flaw.  It's something that I want to change about myself and it might be the very hardest thing that I have yet to do.

I keep thinking to myself that spending time with Pilot Guy is like having a boyfriend for a little while.  He treats me well.  He's kind and gentle with me, and affectionate.  He's respectful.  He makes me laugh.  I'm *surprise* physically attracted to him!  It's just that I love my independence so much that having a boyfriend every once in awhile is perhaps more fitting for the kind of freedom that I want, than having a boyfriend all the time.  So I really should just enjoy the time we spend together and cut it off at that.  I just need to be able to convince my brain and my heart to follow suit.  That's going to be the hard part.

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