Friday, August 12, 2011

Is It Friday? My week has been so screwed up I'm having trouble knowing what day it is...

I feel sad.  Right now.  I wasn't feeling sad earlier.  In fact, I was feeling pretty awesome - perhaps still high on endorphins from yesterday.  But my old boss just called me (at work, no less) to get my email address so that she could send me a little slide show of her dog, who passed away a couple weeks ago.  I worked with this woman at my first job after Brian and I returned from Florida.  We wanted a dog really badly, but we felt like we wouldn't be able to afford one, so when my boss traveled anywhere, we got her dog.  I'm sad for my friend, because her pup was really important to her - and she was 15, so she got to live a long and full life.  I still think of her dog every now and then. 

Anyway, this slide show (which I haven't seen yet), has pictures that I took when we would doggysit Kona.  So these pictures will include Brian, and the stuff we had when we lived together.  Now, I've been doing pretty well not thinking about him much, although I definitely dreamed about him last night.  But in this dream, he was slightly disturbed by my presence, because he was still with Bryn and she'd invited me along for something.  I think that change in content is really good.  I think it means that I've changed my attitude about the whole thing, which I've been trying really hard to do.  Instead of thinking on my memories fondly, I'm trying to detach emotion from them altogether and just look at them as memories.  It doesn't matter what I felt at the time, they are just what I can use to remember what happened in the past.  That doesn't make sense.  Let's just leave it at detaching from the emotions.  I'm getting there.

In that same avenue - I didn't cry at the wedding!!  I teared up when Kate was walking down the isle, but the trick that's been working for me when I start to tear up is to take a deep breath and say to myself, "Control your emotions."  It's pretty simple and it's worked so far.  I haven't had a good cry in a long-ass time, nor have I cried just a few tears for no apparent (or good) reason.  I think that means I'm growing.  Making progress.  I tear up a lot, but I'm getting better at calming myself down.

Except for that I did cry over the slideshow.  Not for myself but for Kona.  She was hilarious and wonderful.  I don't know how the fuck I am going to manage when I lose Phoenix.  Holy God, I don't even want to entertain that thought.

Okay.  So the plan for the evening is as follows: drive home, but stop at the gas station for a Four Loko first.  Get home.  Maybe go to the parents house since the kiddos are there tonight.  Maybe not, if my sister is home.  If not, then it's salad for dinner and a Four Loko and a muscle relaxer for my stupid back.  Which hurt so much during the night that I could not get comfortable.  Then it's sleeping in tomorrow morning. 

Something I wanted to touch on is my discomfort with whatever you might call my "dating" life right now.  I'm definitely over the whole Pilot Guy fiasco and would prefer not to give it any more thought, so I won't.  But I am definitely craving some companionship after seeing Kate and Chad (that's Fiance) together, and happy.  I could use some of that in my life.  But I'm still not sure if I'm ready for anything serious, and I am really doubtful that I will find anything that will satisfy me anyway.  I'm jealous of those with companions, but not in a bad way.  I think it was envy before, and not jealousy.  There is a difference.  My jealousy isn't about to make me upset or unhappy, it's just a wish.  Kind of like wishing I could live in the Bahamas and scuba dive for treasure every day or something.  I think it's intangible for me at this point in my life, but it doesn't mean it's totally impossible or even improbable.  Just not right now, I think.

No comments:

Post a Comment