Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Something that concerns me is my irritability.  I find dealing with other humans, especially ones that don't pay attention, especially taxing.  I've discussed my boss before on this blog, about how nice of a lady she is.  I think she sort of looks at me like a pseudo-daughter, since I'm about the same age as her daughter, but her daughter lives out in Oregon.  She annoys me so much!!  I think it might be because she doesn't realize that I like to be left alone, I'm not super social, I don't like to sit and shoot the shit with her - which involves her telling me the inane details about her life.  I just want to do my job, and in the time I am not answering the phone, or faxing something, or helping someone, not have to hear about her life.

That sounds incredibly mean.  I don't intend for it to sound that way.  It's just exactly how I feel.  I cannot stand ignorant people.  People who have clearly not taken the time to get necessary information.  I am not thrilled with asking for help, so I do everything I can to make sure that I have as much information as I might need.  Beforehand.  I must be one of just a few people who do it this way.  Other people, they just depend on other people do be able to figure things out for them.  I feel like I can tell the difference between people who are stupid (the ones who purposely lack information; the purposely ignorant), and the ones who genuinely tried were not able to prepare as well as they wanted to.

This guy who works for a company that just rented an office in my building annoys the absolute SHIT out of me.  He tries to make conversation with me, and I make a point of not making eye contact with him, being short with him almost to the point of rude, because I can't think of any other way to make him understand that I am not interested in knowing him, knowing about him, or his life, and I'm not interested in going out with him.  I really worry that he's misconstruing my being nice to him (as is stipulated by the terms of my job) as interest.  He's a stupid.  He's for whatever reason unable to interpret my outward disinterest and use it.  He just keeps standing here, keeps talking.  Even if I'm clearly working on something, clearly watching something, clearly directing my attention elsewhere.  He comes out of his office, asking me if they have any mail, if the mail has come yet, if I have something he can borrow, time after time after time.  I think he is trying to make sure I haven't forgotten he exists, which I am trying very hard to do.

I'm tired of getting phone call after phone call after phone call, from the same person for the same company who refuses to leave a message for some reason.  I'm tired of hearing, "Well, maybe you can help me." 

I am really worried that the reason for my intense, unwavering irritability with the rest of the human world is due to the fact that I drink alcohol.  Obviously, on the antidepressants, you're not supposed to drink.  In the past, I have been able to physically feel the difference in my mood and attitude after drinking.  I think that might be what I'm feeling now.  But I don't know if I can stop myself from having another drink.  All I've been thinking about all day is how relaxed I'll feel when I can be done with work and have a drink.  And here's the thing: if I don't have a drink, I'll be just fine tomorrow.  If I do, I'll want to drink all day long.

I think this might be the point at which I can make the right choice and not end up an alcoholic.  I've always joked a bit about the fact that I'm an aspiring alcoholic because I can't figure out how someone could become an alcoholic.  After one episode of a lot of drinking, I can swear it off for awhile.  But I like to drink.  It relaxes me.  I think I have a high-tolerance for alcohol, and I'm also at high-risk for anxiety.  Maybe I need to be on Xanax or Valium or something instead.  Just for a little while.

I have a lot of trouble comprehending how people, like my current boss, and my old boss that called me last week, how they can be so patient and compassionate with people who I deem "stupid."  I think my irritability and anxiety are serious flaws in my personality.  This is something I'd like to work on.

Otherwise, I haven't got much else to say for today.  I am supposed to see the dentist for a teeth-cleaning tomorrow, the first one in years and years.  I'm not too worried, I've been taking pretty good care of my teeth.

When I left for work this morning, I went to get my leftovers from dinner last night out of the refrigerator, but they were gone.  From what I could tell, Meredi cleaned out the fridge last night.  I say Meredi because I know that Linda wouldn't actually put forth the effort to do that kind of cleaning.  After Memorial Day, we stopped having any sort of order in the fridge.  Before that, I'd had the top two shelves (the least amount of space possible, I swear!) of the fridge, but after Memorial Day, everything was just everywhere.  It's been that way ever since.  It started bothering me when I got home from my trip and couldn't find my mayonnaise.  I'm going to ask them if we can just go back to the way it was before.  Freaking Linda.  She has so much space in the kitchen and I have so little.  I'm relegated to one shelf in the pantry, one in the fridge and that's it.   She has an entire cupboard, and two shelves in the pantry.  From what I can tell she's taken up so much space that Meredi had to buy a new cabinet for herself.  I'm actually pretty thrilled that the fridge got cleaned out at all, so I'm trying to focus on that aspect of the whole thing and not that food I'd just bought that was perfectly good got thrown out.

God, I am really grumpy today.  I hate feeling this way.  So much.  I feel like I can partially blame PMS.  My hormones are all over the damn place.  I still have to go back to the doc this week at some point to get my next shot or else I'm going to be hemorrhaging come Monday.  FML sometimes.

No comments:

Post a Comment