Monday, August 22, 2011

Back to School Nerves

I keep having this dream that is so vivid and so distressing, and I haven't really put much thought into it in my waking hours until the last time I had it.  In the dream I am in school, enrolled, and although in my mind I know it's college, it's in more of a high school setting.  In the dream, I'm enrolled in three or four classes, but I forget about one class, only one, until I haven't been to class in weeks.  When I suddenly realize that I'm going to fail the class, I go, but I am so far behind that it's impossible to catch up.  I have no reason for not attending this class, usually it's Chemistry and Biology or something in the natural sciences, except that I don't want to go to the class.  Sometimes I feel really stressed out by the other classes I'm taking, and I think that's why I forget that I'm even enrolled in this class until it's too late.

I'm nervous about school starting.  I don't know why, though.  It's not like I didn't just attend classes in June.  I think it's that I haven't been in school, real non-summer term school, for many years now.  3 years, I think.  I'm 26, and I'll be in classes with a bunch of 21 and 22 year-olds.  I might get lucky and have a few older people in my classes, but that'd be pure luck.  So I really can't figure out where these nerves come from.  It might be the fact that I may not actually get enrolled in an Anatomy lab.  It might be the fact that I still haven't totally made up my mind about which lab I want to try to get into - the 2-4 one, or the 6-8 one.  I keep talking myself into and out of one or the other.  This morning I had my mind set on the 6-8 class, but I'm really having trouble reconciling having to drive to campus twice each day, having to ride my bike up the hill or take the bus twice each day.  I have just been thinking about how when I get home from class I'm not going to want to go back to Boulder each day (thanks, Tiffany for planting that one!).  So I think I'll just plan on the 2-4pm lab.  That will still leave me a little bit of time for the appointments I have to make and things I have to do during normal business hours.  Right now, my plan is to go to the gym between my second class and the lab.  I can totally stick to that, and maybe I'll decide to go back to the gym after the lab some days.  Who knows.  I'm waitlisted for both labs, and I'm number one on each waitlist.  So there's a good chance I'll get into the lab.  I'm sure at least one person will drop after the first or second lab.  It's a really hard class to take.

When I woke up this morning, I was in a crappy mood.  I got to work, and just tried to enjoy seeing all the students going to school, and enjoy the day, and my mood got more and more positive.  Right now I'm feeling pretty good.  I went ahead and paid the fucking $1,200 for the student health insurance, which is required.  Once I get enrolled in the lab, I'll owe around $700 more, and anything I have left might be able to pay for the laptop I want, but then I won't have anything else left for emergencies.  I have until the 9th of September to request that my spring loan be released to me now, but I don't want to do that a.) unless I decide to just hold on to it and can figure out a way not to spend it unless I absolutely have to.  I know that I will probably go ahead and ask for it unless I find out that I really do have to obtain 18 more credits as per the most recent degree audit I printed out.  I'll ask my advisor on Thursday because she won't be there tomorrow.  Hopefully then I'll feel a little more like I've gotten my shit sorted out.  I think that's where my nerves are coming from - feeling like I'm just not quite all finished making sure that I have everything I need. 

I feel like such an adult.  I'm going to make myself grilled tilapia and carrots for dinner tonight.  I'm going to finish up my laundry, and put it away and get my backpack ready for school tomorrow.  Just like when I was in high school...I'm a big huge nerd.

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