Monday, September 19, 2011

Another Ugh Day

I feel like a piece of shit today.  I can't come up with a good reason why.  Feeling like a piece of shit is different than feeling like shit.  I think it's important to make that distinction.  Feeling like a piece of shit is what happens when you feel like you've done something wrong, or wronged someone in some way.  When something happens that you feel that you were supposed to have control over, but when it didn't go the way it was supposed to, you feel like it's your fault.

I can't really think of something substantial enough in my life, over the last week or so, that's happened that I could have controlled the outcome of (is of a preposition?  Am I ending a sentence with a preposition?).  I really don't want to consider the possibility that I'm having a relapse, or that I'm about to have a relapse, or something of that nature.  I just hate feeling this way, pretty much more than anything in the whole world.  It makes me want to crawl out of my skin.  Or sleep until I feel better.  Or cry until it's fixed.  I want to climb under a rock and stay there until I am ready to come out again, until I can handle the horror of the real world.

I really hope that this is temporary, and that I'll just snap out of it again in a day or in a few days.  It wouldn't be the first time it's happened that way.  I just can't stand feeling like this.  Luckily, I didn't have that much reading for class to do, and I still have a homework assignment to finish, but I can do that in an hour or two.  It won't take me that long.

Things that are on my mind that are grating on my soul today:

All my parents' financial stuff
My decision about whether or not to go to Iowa
The fact that I'll have gotten a C or worse on the Anatomy test from last week, which I may have failed the first time around which cost me the class the first time around
Phoenix - I'm not spending enough time with him, and we haven't gone for a walk or a run in over a week now
Impending terror over what to do after I graduate; including fear of not finding a job I actually want, that pays well and gives me adequate insurance
Guilt over eating, and uncertainty over whether or not I'm doing enough to lose the weight and tone up the way I want to
Nerves about going to court to contest the speeding ticket next week - what I'll say, what will happen, how much I'm going to owe
About 1000 other things...

I'm fighting it really hard.  I did allow myself to really relax and recoup over the weekend.  I got caught up on sleep, only to be unable to fall asleep until after 2am this morning, so I'm dragging a bit today.  I'll take that last Ambien to try to reset tonight.  I want so badly to just give up and get in bed and stay there.  I don't want to have to get up and go to class and do my homework and read all the dumb shit I have to read.  However, that is not an option, and I know that I'll feel better and stronger if I can just get through this and to do it by functioning as normally as I can. 

I wish, above all things, that I would never, ever feel this way again.  I have the hardest time describing what it feels like.  It's like the ultimate disappointment anyone will ever feel.  But along with that disappointment, there is despair, hopelessness, worthlessness, uncertainty and fear.  A combination of all the worst things you can feel, all at once.

Here's another thing - the doc I saw last week wants me to make an appointment to see someone at the Mental Health Center on campus for a med evaluation.  She said she wants to make sure I have enough, and to make sure that my physical symptoms - the fatigue, especially - isn't depression-related.  Or grief-related.  She also wants me to get hooked up with a therapist so I can work out what the issue is.  But I don't want any more of a paper trail about my mental health, or mental illness, as the case may be, to have to attempt to cover up in the event I apply for OCS.  I want to begin the road to complete rehabilitation all by myself, and I want to be able to do it as honestly as possible.

Watching Lost, it makes me want an easy life.  A life on a beach, where I make enough money to live comfortably, where I don't feel tired all the time, where I don't feel burdened by other people's problems, where I am away from the pain and suffering of the world, and where it can be just me and Phoenix and I don't have to feel the guilt of all the other dogs and animals who are abused and suffering that I can't help.  There was a story on the news this morning about 60 horses who were in really bad shape, whose owner was going to send them to be slaughtered, but someone heard the story and managed to raise enough money ($400 per horse) in 28 hours to save all the horses.  I don't have that kind of power, even if I had the drive.  For anything, I fear. 

Maybe this week I'll take it a little easy on myself and just be kind to myself in hopes that doing that will help me snap out of it earlier.

My self-control surprises even me, sometimes.  I've been thinking about Aaron and Brian a lot over the last couple of days.  I must have dreamed about them.  I know I dreamed about Aaron.  I saw a comment on one of my Facebook friend's statuses, from a girl that I know Brian was (is?) close friends with.  I don't think I put it together that my friend and the girl might be friends, but that's just one more temptation for me to check in on Brian's life.  If I had no self-control, and absolutely no self-esteem, I'd have done that instantly.  But I stopped, thought about it for a moment, and decided that it would do me no good, especially in my present state, to know what is going on, specifically, whether or not he and Bryn have gotten married yet.  I told Meredi about it when I catered the wedding a week ago, that I was terrified that I'd get asked to cater a wedding for her company only to find out it was their wedding.  I told her the last names, and she said she'd keep an ear out for them.  I told her I don't want to know if she does find out that they're catering that wedding, because it would destroy me.  And it would.

I considered texting Aaron in a moment of weakness last night, but I didn't.  It would have been more trouble than it was worth, and it would have just worsened how I'm feeling right now.  I don't understand where this need for self-destruction comes from, especially when I'm already down.  I don't deserve to feel any more lonely, incomplete, or unhappy than I already feel, and thinking about these two men, or considering making contact with either of them - voluntarily or accidentally - makes me feel physically ill.

I'm not really sure what to do now.  I still have plenty of time to do the homework, but I mean once I get home and alone with my thoughts tonight.  It may be a drinking week.

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