Wednesday, September 28, 2011

No Change

I didn't completely forget to write last night.  I remembered at one point, but I was feeling to lazy to type it all out on my phone, which is what I've been doing at home, because my computer sucks major watermelons, and yesterday my new laptop came but I haven't set it up yet.  Yesterday pretty much sucked major watermelons, too.  I apparently forgot to take my meds on Monday night and the nausea of withdrawal hit me right in the middle of my first class.  Just sitting there.  It was at that point I decided that I would go to Judaism after, but skip the gym and Anatomy because I didn't want to subject myself to things that would certainly make me vomit, those things being exercise and the smell of the chemicals that are preserving the cadavers in the lab.  I emailed my TA, vowed to myself to learn the material on my own (today) and went home after Judaism. 

I could not figure out why I felt so sick until later in the evening last night when I was having a hot flash.  When I miss a dose of Effexor, I get really sick to my stomach and have extreme temperature swings, but they weren't that bad during the day yesterday, so that didn't occur to me.  When I realized it, I looked at my pill box and sure enough, Monday's pills were still in there.

When I got home yesterday, I slept for a few hours, and I felt pretty good when I got back up so I did some grocery shopping, but when I got home I felt really sick again.  So I felt pretty worthless yesterday.  I did get all my attendance points and assignment points for my classes, though.

As for my mood, it's still shit.  I can't seem to regulate at all, although I think regulation might be moot since there's no real upswing in it at all.  I just feel irritable, mad, sad and depressed all the time.  I feel like I am on the verge of tears pretty much all the time.  I saw a story about the elephants from the circus walking down a street yesterday and holding up traffic and I cried because all I could think about as I saw those beautiful creatures holding each other's tails with their trunks was how horrible a life they have because they're stuck in captivity and forced to perform and who knows how they're treated when they're not performing.  These are the kinds of thoughts that are in my head all the goddamn time.  I'm totally fixated on the stress of not knowing if I'll manage to graduate, and also on the sheer terror of having to deal with not graduating if/when that should happen, and also in trying to figure out how I'm going to make my life better once I don't have to work this stupid job anymore and how I'm going to get another job and fear that I'll hate that just as much and be just as miserable.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I had really no problem falling asleep, but every once in awhile, I'd just wake straight up, be totally aware of my surroundings and have to go back to sleep again.  It happened 4 or 5 different times.  I've kind of given up on trying to get decent sleep during the night because being frustrated about it just makes it worse.  I have access to Ambien, but I don't like feeling all sloggy in the morning after so I don't want to take it unless I don't have to wake up early.

And speaking of waking up early, I'm crazy uptight stressed about having to go to court tomorrow for this speeding ticket.  I don't know what I'll need to do or say or what will happen.  I've been trying console myself with the fact that it won't be any worse than it already is, a 4-point ticket and a fine which I can pay, and there's a possibility I can get myself out of it altogether, so I should be really excited to go.  Except I'm not, I'm just stressed out about it.  I was also really excited not to have Judaism class tomorrow because it's Rosh Hashannah, but turns out I have to actually attend a stupid service for it and write about it for points, and I won't have any time to attend a service except during the time I would be in class, so it's like I have to go to stupid class anyway.

I just want to feel the way I did a couple months ago - good, excited to be living life, excited to be back in school, excited about not really having any long-term plans set out for me, and like I had some protection against the world.  I feel like all I'm able to think about is how horrible I feel, and how to fix it.  I've been using my coping mechanisms, which is basically lying down and watching TV, and I'm still pretty much functioning like normal, or at least faking the best normal I can fake.  I feel incredibly guilty for not going to the gym, when I was doing so well and working so hard and finally seeing results.  I feel incredibly guilty for not really watching what I'm eating anymore, either, because again I was doing really well with it.  I just can't seem to summon the energy to put forth to do these things right now, and again, I'm trying to make myself feel better by telling myself that making myself feel guilty about it is not helping, and that I need to just do the bare minimum to get through each day because when I'm feeling better I can just get right back into the routine since I saw that it is possible...but that's not doing it for me.  I still feel like shit.

I don't know what to do except medicate.  After feeling yucky yesterday, I vowed to stop putting chemicals into my body that a.) it doesn't need, and 2.) it's not used to, at least for awhile.  Feeling yucky like that is awful and just makes my mentality worse about everything.  I plan to make a phone call to the campus psych people today to see if I can get in for my med eval any sooner than two weeks from now, and I'm going to ask for a shitload of anti-anxiety meds and sleeping meds and everything I need to get through this bullshit.  I've been through this enough times to know that I'll get through it, I just need some help.  And it's not forever.

Okay, that's the post for yesterday.

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