Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Another Ugly Day

I know exactly what ruined my mood for the entire day today.  There was a story on the news this morning about a woman from Boulder being arrested and charged with animal cruelty after being caught "walking" a chihuahua on a leash while driving her car at 15mph.  People stopped and confronted her, and she told them to mind their own business and that she had a gun, but the people called the police and she was arrested.  The dog was found to be scraped and bumped and bruised, which the woman claimed was from a rash the dog had prior.

What.  The.  Fuck.  Who does that?!  I swear to God I almost started crying right there.  I can't believe there is such cruelty in the world.  I want to go over to the jail, wait for her to be released and then tie her to a car and drag her at 15mph and see how she likes it.  The punishments for animal cruelty should be an eye for an eye.

When I was little, hearing about things like this would upset me very, very much.  I asked my mom several times, how to stop being so upset by things like this, and she told me that you have to ignore them if you want to be able to get on with your life, not ruminate and not let your broken heart tear you apart.  **Interjection - I am truly talking about hearing about horrible things in life and not about relationships...relationships are a whole other ball game.**  When I hear something about some kind of animal cruelty on the news, I either change the channel or mute it, because if I hear about it, I will ruminate on it and let it break my heart, just like this morning.  Sometimes, if I'm feeling strong, I purposely subject myself to stories about animal cruelty (I don't go looking for them, but if I hear or read about one, I don't stop myself), just to try to build some strength of character in that arena.  But you know what?  That doesn't work. 

And that is what ruined my day today.  I had this attitude of abject horror about the state of a world where shit like that happens, and it went downhill from there.  I got into the office and had a note from Anna on the desk telling me to water the new flowers out front every day (which my boss and I talked about last week and I had already been doing anyway), and that just pissed me off even more because I am so sick of her bossing me around and trying to make me feel inferior to her.  I don't even know if she does it on purpose, but it's starting to irritate the shit out of me.  Then my boss scheduled a conference room for an hour, and because I'm emotional and anxious already this week, it immediately triggered the possibility in my head that it was for interviews for my position because my attitude has been so crappy for the last week or so.  I tried to calm myself down with the rationality that it was probably because she was meeting a vendor or doing a couple of lease-signings back to back, but that didn't help.  I got a phone call from a girl for my boss today and I immediately assumed it was my new replacement.  I looked on our Craigslist account to see if there was a job-posting for my position, but there wasn't.  Where the hell is this paranoia coming from??  It's just making me even more miserable.

And that is where my thoughts have been today.  Animal cruelty.  Getting fired.  Throw in a little stress about not wanting to do my homework, wanting a day off, wanting to get some decent sleep again, and guilt over eating two cookies this morning, and that made for an extremely anxious day.  I feel like I'm on the verge of tears and one good blow is all it will take to get them going.  I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, too.  No appetite, while at the same time being starving.  I'd very much like to just crawl out of my skin.  I feel the combination of the awfulness I've been feeling these last two days with an anger and feistiness that I'm certain is going to get me in trouble in some aspect of my life.

I'm not sure if it's hormonal - it could be that I'm due for my next shot, and that my body is experiencing some form of modified PMS - or if it's mental and I'm not really being persecuted the way I feel like I am.  Either way, I don't like it and I don't know how to stop it and it's driving me absolutely up the wall.  Like I said on Monday I just want to crawl into bed until it all goes away and I can get back up and be normal again, because I was feeling pretty damn normal there, for awhile.  My mom says it might be that sneaky grief of having a death in the family.  This definitely all started when my grandpa died, but I don't feel outwardly upset by that anymore, so I don't understand how it could be causing me this upset of feelings.

For the anxiety my mom is going to grab me a few Ativan from work, and I've got appointments with a psychiatrist and a therapist in October for a check-in and maybe a tune-up.  I'm really hesitant to go because that's just more of a paper-trail for the Navy to find to disqualify me for OCS eventually, but I'm not sure it's worth the misery of trying to deal with this by myself.

Drinking is probably a bad idea, but that's all I really want to do, and all I really think will help me quiet my brain for now.  So we'll see what I decide. I'm trying really hard not to make any decisions about how to handle this right off the bat, and I've been giving myself some leeway in my decision-making anyway.  The only conscious decision I've made for myself this week is to treat myself well, not be too hard on myself for eating too many calories or having a couple of alcoholic drinks, because the more I beat myself up for that stuff, the worse I'm going to feel.  And it's just not worth all that.

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