Monday, September 26, 2011


I am in the worst mood, ever.  I physically feel pretty much like crap, and I would do just about anything to not have to be at work today.  I have grown to hate this job so very much.  I feel like it is such an enormous waste of my time and potential and skill.  I have the most enormous disdain for just about every person that works here, today, anyway.  Not that I know what the hell I'd be doing if I weren't here.  Besides spending time with my puppy, which is never time wasted.

I really fucking hate how I feel right now.  It's sort of a combination of wanting to cry and wanting to throw up.  I am not exactly sure what it is that I want to cry about, but it sort of feels like everything.  Interestingly, I know that it has nothing to do with the fact that I drank myself silly over the weekend.  It doesn't feel like that, and it's not a craving for more alcohol, either, which is sometimes how I know that's what's making me feel strange.

I just feel miserable.  Terrified of the unknown, guilt for so many different things, and above all - and this is what I've been most fixated on - is learning how to, or trying to, let go of the fact that there is nothing I can do to help my parents, and that it is not ultimately my problem.

What pisses me off the most is that I know how good I could feel, because I've felt it.  I know that this is something that will come and go for the rest of my life, but if I want to have any kind of fulfillment in my life, I have to ignore it and pretend it's not there, even when it is clawing at me and making me feel raw - as though I have no protection against the world. 

Interestingly, although I feel totally all over the place right now, I am completely even.  As though I have complete control.  I think my brain is understanding that I have a job to do, and so I have to just do it, no matter how much I hate it.  I'm answering the phone with total control over the amount of rage I feel towards the stupidity I am having to deal with, which is unusual for me.

I want to finish school so badly.  This is the worst time for this to hit me, because it makes me not want to do a goddamn thing but sit on my ass and watch movies and doze off every now and then, but I can't fucking do that.

I am having so much trouble sleeping at night.  I sleep a good 5-6 hours and then I wake up and can't fall back asleep until about 3am, and I get into a good REM sleep and have to wake up right in the middle of it, so it's really difficult to wake up.  I had a really vivid dream about going to Africa and seeing the poverty and squalor the people there are living in.  I dreamed I went with my parents, and my mom was doing nurse work, and I saw some things that really upset me a lot, like a baby missing half of it's head.  I knew that it was really dangerous where I was and I was followed down an alleyway and almost attacked once.  It really creeped me out.

I don't know what to do with myself.  I am going to just keep riding the inertia of time because I really have no other choice and just hope that things change, or get better.

No comments:

Post a Comment