Sunday, September 18, 2011

Creeping Relapse?

I feel yucky today.  Woke up that way.  It might have had something to do with Phoenix having a sleepover with his Grammy and Grandpa last night so he wasn't on top of me when I woke up this morning.  I woke up at about 8:30, and laid in bed feeling grumpy and unhappy for awhile, and went back to sleep.  I finally got up at 11:30, washed my hair and vacuumed a little.  My mom was planning to come over to take a shower sometime after noon, so while I waited for her, I ran to Walmart to get some more foods that are high and lean protein and some more veggies for the week.  I've virtually stopped eating out altogether, and it's saving me money and allowing me to lose some body fat.  I'm liking it.

The best way I can describe how I've felt today is that my heart hurts.  And I don't know why.  I think it's mostly all the stuff going on with my parents, and how I can't do anything to help them.  It's beyond frustrating.

When I got home last night, after having dinner with my parents, and talking to them about what the plans are for the trip to Iowa we've been planning to take to go to my cousin's wedding on October 1st.  They went through all the options for how to get to Iowa the least expensive way, and we can't take the Suburban, apparently, because it needs more work and wouldn't survive 1,400 mile round-trip journey.  They considered flying, taking a train, renting a 12-passenger van, two sedans, or any combination of rental vehicles.  With gas now over $3.50 a gallon, it's going to cost the same to fly as it would to drive.  Anyway, after going over all our options last night with them, several times over, I got home and pretty much decided, for me anyway, that I can't afford to make the trip.  If I hadn't gone to Palm Bay a couple weeks ago and missed two days of work, it might be feasible, but I simply cannot even afford to take one more day off of work and expect to survive.  The problem is that I want to go really badly, because this cousin is the one who is closest in age to me and I worry that she'll be offended if I don't go.  I would be if I were in her place.  Plus, my dad says that this may be the last time we get to see my grandmother because she's not doing well and consistently getting worse.  Which really worries me.  I think what I'll have to do is write my cousin and my grandma a long letter about how sorry I am that I can't be there.  That's all I can think of.

I napped after my mom left, and then got my ass up and went to the gym.  Spent an hour on cardio and an hour on weights.  I'm not even tired right now.  I was tired while I was working out, but I'm not now, so I'm not sure if that means I didn't work hard enough or what.  My ankle, which I sprained yesterday, held up really well.  But now I smell really bad and I really need to shave my legs.

Oh and I got a motherfucking parking ticket at the campus gym.  Fuckers.  Like I don't give them enough money.

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