Monday, June 13, 2011


Today, I didn't feel tired all day.  I was about halfway through class when I realized I hadn't thought about taking a nap.  It was great.  I actually want to go to sleep now just because I don't want to feel tired tomorrow.

Let's see.  Where to go with this...?  The first thing that comes to mind that I want to address is my confrontation with Anna today.  I sent her and Barb an email telling them about my school schedule plans, which include dropping the early morning class I want to take (which I already did), and taking an online writing class this fall (which I've enrolled in)(I think it's Food & Culture).  It puts me one credit short of the amount my degree audit calculated that I needed in order to graduate.  Anyway, I had put all this in an email to Barb and Anna and I requested some days off to go to Kate's wedding, and Anna came up to talk to me about it.  She is a visual learner from what I gather, and she needs to get everything laid out in front of her to understand it.  She brought up a calendar to mark off the days she'd be working and I'd be working.  I told her that I needed Fridays off for the class I've yet to actually enroll in, but even if I don't take any other classes, that's the one I want to take.  It's Advanced Osteology.  I had originally wanted to be at work on the days I am scheduled to be in my Anatomy lab, but after thinking about it, I decided I want to be home at least one of those days so that Phoenix isn't at home all alone for 12 hours two days a week.  So I ended up just telling them that I didn't really care which days I was working as long as I had Fridays off.  When she came up, Anna told me she wanted Wednesdays and Thursdays at the desk, but that would put me there on Mondays and Fridays, which I'd rather have just one or the other, not both.  I told Anna I'd have to think about it because I have been helping my parents out with the kids and it's going to depend on that.  And she kind of lost it on me.  She said something along the lines of, "I think I deserve priority here because I think I've been bending over backwards to accommodate your schedule this summer.  I understand you've got stuff going on outside of work, but so do I..." and I just sort of looked at her.  I'm not sure if I just shut down or if I simply have dismissed her in my mind to the point that I don't actually hear the crap that comes out of her mouth, but I found that I was not even the least bit upset by her sudden outburst.  And it was an outburst.  I don't know if it was just how she phrased things, or if it was because I eventually found my tongue and told her that I agreed that she was bending over backwards and that I understood where she was coming from, but I didn't get flustered, I didn't turn red, and my mind didn't go blank trying to come up with a retort.  It was as though I really didn't care.  I'm not sure what to think of this.  I'm a really easily upsettable person.  It doesn't take much for me to take something personally when it's not meant that way.  I've been offended by something Anna's said or done more than once, and I've been put in my place over my complaints about her, which would normally just make me that much easier to upset.  So I'm not sure what happened today.  I really feel like maybe I just shut down and stopped caring altogether.  But it was wonderful!  I hope that is how I react to other situations of confrontation in the future because it was so much easier on me to handle it that way.

I had some panicky moments while I was at work this morning, trying to work out my school schedule.  I realized that I might be one credit short of graduation (thanks to the Anatomy lab being only 2 credits instead of 3) if I don't take any classes during the month of July.  If I can figure out how the hell to get into that English class about Zombies and Popular Culture, I'll be just fine, because it's online and I can go back to my regular three on-two off schedule.  If not, then I need to figure out how to take another class this fall besides the Anatomy lab, Advanced Osteology and the online writing class.  While it will help me to be in school full time, there's a chance I won't get enough financial aid to cover all that plus books and then I still need to figure out what the hell I'm doing about insurance.  I'd really rather not extend my graduation to the Spring of next year, although I am still planning to be in school, taking classes working on my Integrative Physiology and Sociology additional degrees.  Anyway, I started thinking about how unhappy I am with my job, and the fact that I don't get benefits through it and how much of a pain in the ass that is.  And then I thought about how I don't want to work a 40-hour-a-week job, and that I won't get benefits if I don't work 40 hours a week, and how I want to work in a career-type job where I am potentially making $30,000 a year or more, and how it's going to probably have to be an administrative-type job if I want to keep taking classes, I'm going to have to work part-time, and there are very few part-time jobs out there that are remotely interesting, in my fields of interest, and how am I going to find a part-time job that pays $30,000 a year?  The thought cycle was thus and it made it really difficult for me to concentrate on the fact that I was just trying to plan out through the end of the year, not the rest of my life, and it's at that point that I get frustrated, upset, and panicky.  I don't like not knowing what's going to happen.  I was totally able to shake it off and move on with my day without any lasting effects, but now it's got me thinking and that's not a good thing.  I need to try to focus on the fact that I've still got quite a ways to go and that I have plenty of time to make decisions about what to do.

So that's about how my day went.  Riding the bike up the hill damn near killed me again.  It was hard!!  But I am already noticing differences in my physique.  Or else I am just happier with my body.  I think it's the latter. I sat in the sun for a few minutes but I was sweating like a field-worker so I went inside.  I chose a totally different seat in class today, which threw some people off, I think.  I wanted to sit by the window!  No one said anything, but I feel the anxiety over it.  Even though in college you don't get assigned seats, people generally sit in the same seat or the same area every single class.  If your seat is taken, it throws you off.  I hadn't absconded with anyone's seat, but I was in a different area with a different group of people.  I liked it.  Also, there's a guy in my class who seems just about as smart as me and he talks just about as much as me, and he's a 4+ year senior like me, and I keep catching him looking at me, and when it happens, I look him in the eyes and he doesn't look away.  It's strange.  I keep getting the idea that he likes me or wants to ask me out or something, but I might be way off and it's really nothing.  But it's nice that I feel like I sort of have that air of mystery about me.

That's enough for now.  I didn't plan on writing that much and I need to get my shit together so that I am not frantically trying to read my assignments at the last minute like I was today, and not feeling all frustrated that I can't concentrate at work because some stupid tenants are standing by my desk talking about inane shit.  Oh, and Conan's on in three minutes.

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