Monday, June 20, 2011

Swinging Low, So Low

Oh, I am reeeeeeally struggling today.  I'm pretty sure a lot of how I feel today has to do with the fact that I didn't really even get out of bed yesterday.  I'm feeling tremendous guilt for not hanging out with my dad, or getting him anything for Father's Day.  I probably shouldn't, but I do.  I did not want to wake up this morning, although it wasn't as bad as it has been.  I didn't want to leave Phoenix, who looked both super-snuggly and upset at my leaving him.  I worry so much that I am not a good doggy-mommy, because I don't take him on walks every single day, and that's most of a dog's life, isn't it?  Getting to go out and experience the world and all it's smells and sounds?  I do the best I can, which at this point is taking him to the park most days after I get home from work and school, and let him run around and sniff and stuff.  I feed him both dry and wet dog food, and I try to give him a little variety because I sure as hell wouldn't want to eat the same damn thing day after day.  He gets rawhides to chew on just about every day, and I got him these duck tenders that look like beef jerky that he really likes, plus he has toys and friends to play with every day.  So I guess he's got it pretty good.  I just worry that he's not as happy as he might be with someone else, someone more active.  And I know how upset he gets when I leave him, and I hate being away from him all day every day.  I know I've only got two more weeks of it being like this, and he won't even remember it was like this after I've broken him of the I-get-up-every-day-at-6am-and-get-ready-and-leave-and-am-gone-all-day routine, but I just want to be with him all the time.  I'm really hoping that he's settled down and is used to where we live and who we live with and how things are.  I think he's gotten the point that I'm not going to take him somewhere and leave him and never come back.

Since last week I've been feeling odd.  I know that this feeling is coming from doing a bit of cyber-stalking of my ex's, both Brian and Aaron.  I have learned my lesson about trying to find out what is going on in both of their lives because I've been doing this for years, literally, and it always feels the same.  It's like I momentarily travel back in time to when I was with either of them and things were good and I was happy.  And then I'm transported back to the present, and it's this very sudden realization that things are not as they were and that I have nothing right now to fill the voids that these people left in me.  But the problem is that I am pretty sure that I don't want a relationship to fill those voids, either.  I am pretty happy (maybe not happy, but satisfied) with being a single person and having the independence that comes with it.  I don't think I have the energy to try to start something new with someone.  My heart just aches to go back to the times when I had already established something with Brian or Aaron and it was easy.

I feel this really intense scrutiny from all those known and unknown to me because I am a 26 year-old single woman, and because there is no one in the bullpen to "save" me from this perpetual singlehood I seem to be stuck in.  I want to hand something out, or wear a sign around my neck that says, "It's not for lack of trying.  I like being single, and I don't want to give my heart away right now," so that everyone will stop looking at me and trying to figure out what might be wrong with me that I am not in a relationship or actively trying to be in one.  I bring this up because last week, we found out that another of my cousins on my dad's side of the family is getting married, and in September.  The girl cousin that is closest in age to me (we're the same age, but I'm like 7 months older) is engaged to be married in October of this year.  The family has some kind of phenomena that each of the grandchildren on that side, including my sister, has gotten married in order of age, excepting only my autistic cousin, and now me.  I said to my girl cousin when I saw her last year that she was next, because I certainly wouldn't be getting married anytime soon.  And then she got engaged.

I wish, to the deepest depths of my heart, that I understood what my preoccupation with relationships and marriage is.  From the time I've spent in my Sociology classes, I'm learning that in American society, there is a lot of pressure on genders to act in the predictable ways, and that for all females, marriage should be the end-point goal in mind.  If a woman is in her 30's or so and is not or has not ever been married, it's because she has chosen to have a career instead, but I am really beginning to worry that I might be an exception to this "rule," and here's why:

My cumulative GPA at CU is 2.18(ish).  I have 6 F's and one D on my record, along with countless C's and B's and the fewest of A's.  I've been looking into graduate school for Forensic Anthropology and the ones that I would like to apply to require a GPA of 3.25 at the lowest, usually with a 3.5 in the major.  I haven't done the math, but I would venture to guess that my GPA in Anthropology is around 2.5.  So I'm nowhere close.  Now, I could still apply, and try to plead extenuating circumstances for the reason that my GPA is so low, and explain that I've been living with Depression and that doing well in class was not at the top of my list when I was really in the worst parts of it, but that I've learned to manage it and that I think I could do really well in school from this point forward...but that's basically begging someone I don't know to trust me with some precious commodity with no proof of my trustworthiness.  I used to be naive enough to think that I really had a shot, but I know now that the world isn't really a fair place and that it doesn't matter how good of a person you think you are, it's your accomplishments that others will judge you by.  And if you haven't got much to show on paper, that's about how much they'll take you for.  I'm really concerned.  I don't really know what I will do with myself after I graduate.  A lot of people start looking for jobs within their fields, but my field doesn't exist outside of academia.  I'd really like to take more classes and do well in the Sociology and Integrative Physiology areas, but I don't want to take the classes if they're not going to actually do something for me.

This is my persistent issue - the future and not knowing what to do with it.  I can theoretically make it whatever I want it to be, but that requires making the right decisions now and I am terrible at that.  By right decisions, I mean things like paying attention and doing well in school, applying myself in the places that need application.  Not lying in bed all fucking day long when I should be out getting my dad a damn gift to say thank you for all the stuff he's done for me.  GOD I am obviously quite bothered by my terrible decision to stay in bed all day yesterday.  FUCK.

I haven't felt this down in awhile.  As I write this, I am on the verge of tears, and I can't cry because there are assholes sitting in the lobby waiting to be shown office space.  I had a dream on Friday night that I was at some sort of family gathering, with all my married cousins, and I was in someone's kitchen, and I burst into tears and cried and cried because I am so sad that my life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would and because I am afraid I am disappointing so many different people all the time and I'm so sick of it.  The crying felt really good, calming and cleansing.  I'm afraid that I'm going to have to sit down and have a good cry before the day is over (and hopefully after class so I don't cry all my mascara off).

I should wrap up here because I need to get some stuff done before class today, and I have a test in my Criminology class that I can't actually take until after I get home today.  I hate these days.  I hate when I hate life.  I have so many days when my satisfaction level is really high, but when it dips low, it goes really low.  Today is a low, low day, and I don't know how to bring myself out of this funk, aside from just going about life and pretending I'm fine.  What choice do I have?  I can't take a break right now.  I can take one in two weeks, but not right now.

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