Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Stupid Day: Part 1

I already don't like today.  It's just after 9am.  I woke up in the middle of the night after having a really vivid dream about Brian and Bryn.  I am SO SICK of having dreams about these people.  I don't know these people!!  I know the dreams aren't real, but they seem so real that I wake up and have trouble because it feels like what I dreamed about really happened.  It affects me!  In this dream, I was in some auditorium, and Brian was performing.  In the dream, things were as they are - I mean, I'd dated Brian years and years ago, he'd broken up with me and was with Bryn.  But this dream seemed to include information from other dreams I've had.  Bryn had a note that I'd written Brian and I'd told him not to give to her.  In other dreams I've had, he's with her but I'm trying to convince him to leave her for me.  So anyway, in this dream, Bryn and I went out to the hallway and talked.  She wasn't mean, she wasn't condescending, but she wasn't like overly nice and compassionate towards me, either.  She just made it clear that she and Brian were staying together.

I woke up frustrated - but frustrated because I realized that I'd dreamed what I'd dreamed, not because of what happened in the dream.  I want - pretty much more than anything else at this time - to stop dreaming about these people.  I understand that the dreams are an expression of the idea of what I had with Brian and what I want to have with another man and not that I want Brian in particular.  But I wish my brain would transpose Brian with someone else - someone I don't know.  Because it makes it really hard to want something else - someone else - when I have this image of this person in my mind who seems to have all the qualities I want in a companion.  When it's really not that person I want.  It's the idea of that person.

My tummy hurts, too.  For whatever reason, my body is like maintaining all the air that goes into it or something.  When I wake up in the morning, I get what feel like spasms in my torso, like all the muscles are tensing up all at once, and it goes away and comes back and goes away and comes back.  I'm pretty sure there's just air trapped in there, because it stops once I get to work and have a drink.  But it's uncomfortable, that's for sure.

So right now I'm just trying to get done with all the crap I need to get done with.  I need to get my paper finished today, so that's what I'm going to work on the rest of the time I'm at work.  I have the last regular Criminology test today, which I wish I could do earlier, but I won't have time to do it until after I get home. And it's going to be hot as shit.  Maybe I'll move my computer and screen down to the basement for that.

I'm just stressed.  I'm upset about the test yesterday, and I am worried that I won't have enough information or the right kind of information or come to the right conclusion with my paper.  And I'm worried that my group's presentation isn't going to be long enough, and that we're not going to be able to put it all together well enough.  There's no way I can fail right now, but I've put so much work into getting an A in both classes that if I give up now and just try to get through the next few days it will all have been for nothing.  I need to up my GPA and I need to prove to myself that I'm capable of doing well in school.

As soon as I finish this dumb film I'm supposed to watch for Criminology, I'm going to get this damn paper done.  If it kills me.  I know I'll have all morning tomorrow to work on it, but I want to get it done today so that I'm not trying to include information at the last minute.  Three pages is nothing.  I write more than that every single day.  I just have to put substantial information into the damn thing.  It's just too bad I can't write on what I want to write about.

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