Sunday, June 12, 2011


It was just a couple of days ago that I wrote about how I longed to be asleep so I could escape to the dream worlds my subconscious creates for me because I feel so safe and so happy in that place.  Well I woke up today feeling unhappy and confused.  But that's because I had dreamed about Brian.  Again.  And I always wake up feeling weird after that.  It was the usual - Brian and I had gotten back together, and were pretty happy, but in the back of my mind, I wondered if he had really left Bryn for me, and if he was going to go back to her.  That's a newer development in my dreams, this super-consciousness I have of my knowledge of real life.  I have been trying really hard in the last few months to not give these dreams credence, and I try to just forget about them after they happen, because the more I think about Brian in my waking life, the better the chance of my dreaming about him, and I don't like dreaming about him.  I try really hard to not think about him at all if I can, because he is not a part of my life anymore, and I want to move on with my life and forget about him altogether.  Yesterday, I was driving to my parents house and I saw a guy in a truck that looked marginally similar to Brian and I think that got my neurons going, and the memory of that event is what brought the dream about.

There is much about my thoughts of this person that I understand, but there is also much about these thoughts that I don't understand.  I have worked through the thoughts over and over and over again, and sometimes I think I've gotten them resolved, but then more dreams pop up and I'm left wondering yet again.  I wish, with all my heart, that I could just wipe away my memories of Brian 100%, the good and the bad.  I don't want to think about him anymore.  I don't want to compare every guy I date to him.  I don't want to wonder about his happiness, or if he and Bryn fight, or what they might even have to fight about.  I just wish I could walk away from that part of my life forever and never look back.

I have had dreams about Aaron more often lately than I have about Brian, and I don't wake up feeling nearly as confused and unhappy from those dreams.  I think it's because I know that I have no future with Aaron, and that it wasn't really a real relationship to begin with, even though I let it go on for three (+) years.  There must be a part of me that wonders if I'd have a future with Brian, even now.  If he and Bryn broke up (which they won't - they're perfect for each other as far as I can see), or if she died, if he would allow me back into his life.  But even if there is that tiny possibility, I don't think I would even want to investigate that because I know that there's a big world out there with plenty of other people and there is someone out there for me who will make me as happy as or happier than Brian made me.  And there were times where he made me quite miserable, too.  I just never focus on those times.

I wanted to get a lot more done today than I actually did get done.  I think when I wake up feeling confused like that, it sets the tone for my whole day.  I woke up around 10:00am and just laid around for awhile.  I dozed off, and woke up again at 1:00.  I put a load of laundry in, and sorted out the clothes that were overflowing out of my laundry baskets so that I could just hang up the clothes that needed hanging up.  But I stopped there, and laid down and dozed off again.  I got back up at 3:00 and took Phoenix to the dog park after throwing in another load of laundry.  Phoenix wasn't feeling particularly social, and I wasn't feeling all that great, so we only stayed for about a half an hour.  He got some exercise, did a ton of sniffing and peeing and went in the water a few times.  We came back home and I made myself tater tots and queso for dinner (SO GOOD!) and then dozed again.  I woke up around 8:15 and got up and got the laundry out of the dryer and got in the shower, and I've been up ever since.  I just want to lie around and not do anything today.  Both Meredi and Linda spent all day hiking, and it makes me feel so lazy and like there's something wrong with me that I don't like to go hiking.  Linda asked me yesterday to take Rainey outside if she wasn't home by about 5, so I did that, and took her cone off and sat with her icing her knee and scratching her shaved leg.  The poor thing must be bored out of her mind.  She can't do much with the cone on her head, she isn't supposed to go up and down the stairs, I can't take the cone off her or she'll lick her staples, and I worry that Phoenix and Nali will run her over or knock her down if I'm not watching them all the time.  So I can't really do anything for her but keep her in Linda's room.  It breaks my heart a little bit.  Linda says she's had surgery before, and that she did just fine and that she'll take her out hiking and stuff again when she's all healed up.  So I know she's got some fun in her future, it just really sucks for her right now.

The absolute highlight of my day was when Kate asked me to be in her wedding.  I had been thinking and thinking and wondering and wondering if she wanted me to be in it, but I wasn't going to say anything because that's how I ruined my friendship with Gorman (one of my best friends from high school - she didn't ask me to be in her wedding and I was really hurt) years and years ago.  And I was trying to accept that it was totally fine if Kate didn't want me to be in her wedding, because I was in the first one, and because I was so unsupportive and because I said some really mean things back in November.  I think I would have been completely fine if she'd never asked me because I deserve that, but to have her ask me was a big surprise and I am totally honored.  I did a number on our friendship, and I feel pretty much completely horrible about that, but I love that Kate seems to have been able to put that behind her, and I'm putting it behind me, too.

I'm such an unreasonably judgmental person.  I hold my friends to incredibly high standards, just a smidge lower than the standards to which I hold myself, and if they don't meet those standards, I'll call them out on it. And that's what I did with Kate.  Instead of just accepting that she was making some big life changes, and that she was going in a really positive direction, I told her that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore.  And I'm still struggling with some of the things I see her do, but instead of being judgmental, I'm just looking at those things as Kate doing whatever she needs to do to make herself happy.  Which works for the kind of friendship she and I have.  I am still pretty judgmental, but I try to be less so, and come up with reasons for why I'm having a problem with whatever it is, and instead of calling her out on whatever it is, I attempt to work out the problem I am having with it.

I do wonder, though, why I am so possessive and judgmental of Kate.  I don't do the same things with Tiffany or Kara.  I just sort of accept them the way they are, and accept the decisions they make and that's it.  With Kate, it's like I just want her to be the same Kate she was when she and I met, and I want her life and my life to move along parallel lines and I think I get upset when they don't.  And that's just stupid.  I am me, and she is her, and we are two different people.  We can still be friends and still be supportive of one another without having everything be the same as it's always been.

That's just something I wanted to address.  I think she and I are just about back to where we were in November, and I have no intention of doing anything to screw it up again.  I've slept probably a total of four hours during the day today so I'm not really tired, but I should go to bed so that I can get up tomorrow and not feel totally awful.  It's going to be a long week and I have to get through it.  I've been feeling pretty great and I'd like to keep it that way.  It's just a lot of work to do it like this.

No comments:

Post a Comment